List of Shit Danny Glover is too old for Updated

Despite being a great actor and civil rights activist, Danny Glover is still most famous for occasionally uttering the remark, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

 

What many don’t know is that a super computer, which is a big fan of Glover’s, regularly updates a speculative list of things that the actor is now too old for, and as Donald has turned 69 this year, the machine has made some notable editions.

 

For example, did you know that Danny Glover is potentially now too old for:

 

  • Those little dogs that live in people’s handbags,
  • Large parts of America,
  • Fence paint that doesn’t do exactly what it says on the tin,
  • Drum solos which go on for longer than five minutes, although if they do make it to the fifteen minute mark, he will become briefly interested again, although only for another ten minutes or so,
  • π – just resolve already!
  • That new ‘Peeple’ app – if you want to review a person you should do it to their face, although if they’re just not worth it then it’s probably okay to badmouth them online – just don’t make a couple of awful, dotcom vultures rich in the process,
  • Hard House – there’s nothing hard about it; it’s just fast. They should call it ‘Fast House,’ or better yet – just not bother in the first place,
  • The Macarena when performed incorrectly – it’s step, step, slide, slide, wave, shake, jump – what’s so hard to remember about that?
  • Insufficiently cooked potatoes – the ones which are a bit firm on the inside still, and yet you eat them anyway because the Queen of Monaco made them for you in her brand new microwave,
  • Pornography that fails to wrap up the narrative,
  • Soap storylines involving mystery killers that go on for months – only to reveal that you never cared in the first place,
  • Bipeds,
  • Germaine Greer’s transphobic bullshit. If they weren’t women Germaine then they probably wouldn’t put themselves through all that, would they? And what does they don’t ‘behave, talk or look like’ women even mean? Is a butch lesbian not a woman then? Is a tomboy not a woman? Was Tracy Chapman not a woman because of her relatively deep singing voice? How narrow or broad is this definition? You sound every bit as mad and dated as the misogynists you fought against in the early days of feminism – get a grip,
  • Being unable to pop once I have stopped,
  • The American soccer league being essentially just a retirement home for formally great European players,
  • Being a man and therefore inexplicably drawn to the yard by good milkshake two to three times a day,
  • Flubber – that stuff gets everywhere.
  • Mel Gibson.

We should point out, however, that the computer has up until this point had a 99% inaccuracy rate, which is still a higher success level than the met office or YouPoll.

 

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