Despite having enjoyed 2,000 years of unbridled dominance of the month of December, a recent poll has suggested that the new Star Wars film will be the biggest game in town this holiday season – a revelation which has prompted the stock holders at Xmas Corp. to force Santa out as CEO.
The company’s shareholders had been worried for some time that jolly old saint Nick wasn’t violent and hip enough to capture the attention of today’s youngsters, although Christmas did remain dominant as it had grown so large that all contenders to the wintery throne were simply sucked into its orbit – becoming the very gifts and branded socks which drive the unstoppable juggernaut of forced good cheer forwards. Star Wars, however, is bigger than a Rumble in the Jungle between Jesus and the Fab Four, and it is stealing attention and money away from Xmas in a manner that a complacent Santa Claus was simply ill prepared for.
We asked some people on the street to see what they thought so that we could be certain that we hadn’t just imagined it all again – like when we reported that the Easter Bunny had taken over as the new Chief Genius at Apple:
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN WE SAY DECEMBER?
“The Force Awakens. That’s what the new Star Wars film is called.”
“Please – help! My leg’s trapped, and I’m losing a lot of blood!”
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN WE SAY SANTA CLAUS?
“Is he one of those old tv hosts from the 70’s who’s been caught doing sex crimes?”
“What do I think about Santa Claus? Are you insane!? My leg is trapped, and there’s petrol leaking everywhere! I need you to get help!”
WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER SPEND MONEY ON – STAR WARS OR CHRISTMAS?
“Star Wars, obvs!”
“WHAT!? GET ME HELP! NO, PLEASE DON’T GO! PLEASE DON’T GO! PLEEEEAAASSSEEE”
Many have noted that this is the logical progression of the facile commercialist spirit of Christmas, as many people are realising that instead of spending £500 buying gifts for friends and family, they could just go and see ‘The Force Awakens’ in IMAX 3D about two and a half times – unless they wanted popcorn, of course – in which case they would probably need another £50 on top of that.
Xmas Corp. refuses to lie down on their belly and let Star Wars throw pine cones at their bottom, however, and they have started looking for a replacement CEO to head the company – a character who encompasses the edgy, couldn’t-give-a-muffinry of today’s youth, alongside the will-work-for-peanuts attitude of the youth of yesteryear, who have yet to actually make something of themselves.
Candidates so far include:
- Max and O.B. from Hollyoaks,
- That woman who put a cat in a bin, and
- Jihadi John
Xmas Corp, however, have been the first to admit that they haven’t got the balance of edgy and desperation right yet – the first two being more desperate than a Tuesday night, strip club stag-do in Barnsley, and the second two being more extreme than a smoothie maker genital pruning.
Santa Claus himself has gone on record as saying that he, “couldn’t give one single fuck,” and that he has got, “all of the bling and bitches that he needs for life,” although he was also later secretly filmed at a brothel where he did an obscene amount of cocaine, got into a raging row with a stuffed owl, and then cried a lot – proving once and for all what we have suspected for some time – that too much Xmas is every bit as bad for your brain as watching Celebrity Big Brother whilst under the influence of meth amphetamine.
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