Following its thorough thrashing of Tesco & co, the UK’s favourite supermarket chain, Aldi has started buying up all of our nation’s best tribute bands – their intention being to offer a low cost alternative to gigging that rivals or betters the real thing.
We spoke to their head of live music and fish fingers, Ozzy Freezergoods to find out more:
“Imagine seeing a version of The Libertines who actually make it to the end of a gig, because Pete isn’t drunk. Imagine seeing a version of Pink Floyd in which the musicians successfully go into a solo without disappearing up their own arse halfway through. Imagine seeing a version of Peter Andre who doesn’t sing any Peter Andre songs – he just rubs baby oil all over his semi-naked body and winks.
“Have you imagined it yet? Right – well that’s what we’re offering. It’s like bands, only cheaper. And also safer, as you don’t have to worry about the lead singer getting shittered and throwing up all over you.”
Of course, the music is not the only reason why people go to see bands – with many fans, both male and female, attending gigs with the intention of getting ploughed by one of the players. We asked Ozzy about this to find out what these fans might have in store:
“The thing about your actual musicians is that although they’re quick to jump into bed with anything that moves, they’re also quick to jump back out again, because they don’t know what they’re doing. These aren’t generous people, and you’d be lucky to get a spit-rub from the likes of Barry Manilow or Grace Jones. And it’s not that they’re bad people – to be fair – they’re just individuals who were given everything that they could ever have wanted when they were still in their teens, and who have now been completely ruined as human beings as a result.
“Our tribute players, however, have had to work for everything that they have – work hard – and the 110% effort that they give on stage is a good reflection of the attention that they’ll be giving you when they lay you down in a smelly dressing room, or a smelly back alleyway, or a smelly public lavatory, or in the back of a smelly van, or underneath a big pile of soon to be smelly coats. If that’s the sort of thing you’re into by the way, we’ve got some machine-washable kneepads in at the moment, as well as nose-plugs, and condoms which glow in the dark in case one of you gets lost behind the bins.”
Of course, not all bands are tributable. One band that the tribute game has been trying to crack for some years is The Fall – with many fans of the long-running group too terrified to go and see them live for fear of the lead singer going on some sort of rampage. The problem has been that the process of attempting to become Mark E. Smith has driven everyone who has tried clinically insane – many of them ending up in asylums, several phasing out of reality all together and entering some sort of hellish, other dimension, and one even going so far round the bend that he joined UKIP – a phenomenon which either amuses the singer himself or insults him – the man’s internal logic impossible to gauge by we, mere mortals.
To give you the full, live-music experience, Aldi will also be selling rip-off ten bags at these gigs – just like you’d buy off the usual dirtbags who are noticeable by the fact that they are wearing heavy coats inside packed and sweaty venues. The rip-off ten bags will of course contain nothing but a small amount of oregano, but Aldi will at least refrain from branding the word VALUE in plain, utilitarian design on the side, in an insulting attempt to make you recognize that you are a scumbag who should try harder.
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