Jesus Pens Open Letter Criticising Britain First

Although UKIP and the BNP allude to the idea of Britain being a Christian country, they aren’t actually full-on Christian types in their rhetoric, and probably haven’t set foot in a Church this side of the Millennium. The leaders of Britain First, meanwhile, are actually full-blown religious extremists, who have a proclivity towards posting messages like this:


“Jesus was good enough to warn us of what would happen before His return to this earth. Be wise and take heed. If He is not your Saviour, then He will be your Judge, and there is no appeal court.”


“If someone is quoting from the Holy Bible, it’s not an opinion, it’s truth. In our “anything goes” and “whatever you do, don’t offend” society, this might sound very unpalatable but there are absolutes and this is one of them. Jesus commands us to speak the truth in love and love warns.”


As it happens though, these poorly thought out and confused outpourings of religious fervour have led to Jesus once more returning, as the avatar of God has finally had enough, and has penned the following open letter:




It is I, Jesus. I know I haven’t been around much since you nailed me to that cross (surprise, surprise), but this whole Britain First thing has gotten beyond stupid now, and I’ve realised that I need to step in.


First off, you can’t go around accusing Islam of being a violent foreign religion, when you follow a foreign religion yourself, and are actually quite violent in how you approach things. I mean, you physically can do that, but it makes you look like a bit of an idiot, you get me? And what’s all this “love warns” business? What does that even mean? I’ve read my biography (or the New Testament as you call it), and I don’t remember a section in it in which I gave my love as a warning. I didn’t clean the leper with cautionary intent for example, or feed the 5000 as an admonitory statement of threat. I just loved those people as well as I could so that they would know what my love felt like inside of them – just like in a song from the as yet unrecognised saint of love himself, Barry White.


Secondly, it’s really, really awkward that you obviously have such hatred for Middle Eastern people, because I was actually incredibly Middle Eastern myself when I last walked the earth, and so was everybody else who featured in the Bible. Did you not get that when you read the Bible? Did you think that Nazareth is somewhere in Wales? Did you think that the three wise men rode on camels because they were pretentious, latter day hipsters? Did you think that we were only wearing sandals because Jackboots hadn’t been invented yet? You’re in for a shock when you meet me anyway because I am actually the spitting image of Osama Bin Laden, or at least he was the spitting image of me anyway, and I dress like the dirtiest, climate change acceptingest hippy you’ve ever seen.


Also, although you do seem to have actually read the Bible, you don’t seem to be understanding my message of love or turning the other cheek – that is unless you are adding the phrase, “but of course this does not apply to Muslims,” at the end of every sentence. And although you do undoubtedly target some very dubious people – criminals and rapists and such – you only seem to be targeting them when they are guilty of being both criminal and Muslim/foreign – almost as if you’re only using them to prove your petty and blinkered prejudices. If a minority of problematic people spoiled an entire race, God would have drag-and-dropped the whole of humanity into his recycling bin a long, long time ago.


I’ve sent you some dictionaries anyway. I’m not suggesting that you read them, because it’s probably a bit late for that now, but they are heavy, and if you hold on to a sack of them whilst jumping into the sea then I’m pretty sure they will carry you all the way to the bottom. And I know that encouraging suicide is against all of my teachings, but you clearly don’t know what my teachings are, so what the hell, eh? You’ll chill out as soon as you’re up here anyway, and I’ll teach you how to play an oud and do that crazy screaming-sheik singing that we Middle-Eastern types love so much.





Much Love



Your old Pal






P.S. Another group being given rights is not the same as rights being taken away from you, and your right to believe that other people deserve less rights than you should not usurp a person’s rights to simply exist as themselves.


P.P.S That film that Mel Gibson did about me was a bit much, and patently just there to stick it to the Jews. He did, however, direct the shit out of it.


P.P.P.S It is me who keeps making my face appear on crisps and burnt toast. It’s… an erotic thing… and you won’t really understand how it works until you’ve passed over to the other side. Try not to think about it when you’re eating crisps anyway, as that would really spoil the mood for me. I mean, it’s still good if you know that I’m watching, but it isn’t as good, and Ganesh always gets less adventurous when he thinks that we’ve been spotted. 


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