Queen Elizabeth & Vladimir Putin Revealed as the Last Remaining Highlanders

Although the immortal beings known as highlanders have been absent from Western culture for the past two decades, it has been sensationally revealed today that the last remaining two are none other than Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin.


Many were surprised to discover that the Queen was a highlander, as although she has just today celebrated becoming the longest serving cultural throwback in English history, she seems to lack the raw and dangerous physicality that the immortals usually possess. Apparently a highlander will become superficially old as a result of decades of pomp and hand-outs, however, and so Elizabeth has shrivelled into something like the Yoda of the Highlander universe.


Vladimir Putin, meanwhile, has maintained his buff figure by doing the lion’s share of his own dirty work for his entire career – still being active in all of the various journalist silencings, Pussy Riot imprisonings, and oligarch hand-shandyings that are an integral part of keeping the modern Russian nation going.


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What many are asking now is whether or not the two immortals will meet up and fight it out – whether in fact there will truly be only one. The general opinion amongst commentators is that such a confrontation would previously have been very unlikely – with both highlanders living lives so privileged that not even the slaying of their final enemy could enrich them. Now that their immortality has been exposed, however, we have entered a very different situation indeed – as Putin’s premiership is completely dependent on the image of him never backing down from a fight, and the queen is burdened with being the manifest symbol of the notion that many Englanders hold – namely that England is in any way important.


Although prophecy says that the slaying of the second-to-last highlander will result in untold millennia of darkness for the human species, many are happy to ignore the common sense which would encourage the listening to of such a warning, and have called for the kick-off to be arranged for as soon as possible. Bookies currently have the odds of Putin getting in an early decapitation at 3/1, although the English Royals have defied the odds before – namely by somehow continuing to be seen as culturally important for these past few hundred years – despite being as beneficial to UK culture as was polio, the Bay City Rollers, or those ill-fitting underpants which ride right up your arse crack.


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