Noel Gallagher Accidentally Brands Himself a ‘Shrinking, Rip-Off C*nt’ on Press Tour

Ever since the mid 1990s, the Brothers Gallagher have been promoting their albums by turning up at press junkets, leafing through a copy of The Sun, and then proceeding to slag off whoever they saw pictured inside. The trick worked because the brothers’ scathing and pithy remarks would always be picked up by news sites – creating free advertising for the band in the country’s tabloids and gossip rags. The responsibility used to be the primary responsibility of Oasis’ chief marketing guru – Liam Gallagher – but ever since the younger brother left to form the hookless, patience-testing, experimental group – ‘Beady Eye’ – Noel has been forced to take on the task himself.

 

The older sibling showed his inexperience yesterday, however, when he came across a picture of himself, and – seemingly on autopilot – began to tear himself a new arsehole. This is what he had to say:

 

“Oh yeah, right? You see this shrinking, rip-off cunt? You remember the 60’s, yeah? Because he fucking does. Remember that ‘Wonderwall?’ It was blatantly just a mish-mash of ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ and the Beatle’s ‘Revolution #9.’ Remember ‘Cigarettes and Alcohol?’ Just ‘The Chipmunks’ by The Chipmunks and the minimalist, Philip Glass masterwork, ‘Music in the Shape of a Square.’ I mean – obviously, man – everyone knows that.

 

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

 

“And what’s going on with his fucking face, anyway? He looks like he’s being mummified alive by caterpillars. He looks like his forehead has fallen out with his Adam’s apple, and they’re both trying to get as far away from each other as possible. He looks like a thrown-away denim jacket that someone forgot to rinse the cunt out of. He looks like-”

 

At this point a member of the band rushed over and shoved a shoe into the singer’s mouth. Noel, however, seemingly failed to notice the footwear, as he carried on mumbling and staring into the camera as if nothing had happened.

 

 

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