It was long thought that Napoleon was a short man who compensated for his lack of height through foreign conquest and having brandys named after him, although this later turned out to be a misconception, based on the fact that he would often appear with his Imperial Guard, who were men of above average stature. The perception of Napoleon being reasonably-sized may now also have been shattered, however, after the discovery of remains which suggest that the French war bastard was actually 20ft tall.
We spoke to the historian who made the discovery, one Henrietta Bones-Botherer to find out more:
HT: “So, you think that Napoleon was as tall as a semi-detached house?”
HBB: “Well, it was a surprise, but that is indeed what we seem to have found. We were investigating claims that the original Bonaparte corpse was a fake, and that the real man was buried in Ibiza, after having escaped there in 1816 to set up the nightclub, ‘Amnesia,’ so that he might further the status of Balearic house.”
HT: “Never mind, just… carry on.”
HBB: “Ok. I mean, I’ll admit that we were suspicious at first, but when we got to the site and started digging, we very quickly discovered a skeleton. The thing is, as we carried on excavating, the skeleton just kept going and going, and in the end, what we unearthed ended up being nearly five times larger than what we had originally anticipated.”
HT: “Jesus Christ.”
HBB: “I’m sorry, are you okay?”
HT: “Look, it’s my last day, yeah, and as much as I’ve enjoyed interviewing people of your… sort… over the years, I’m really just looking forward to moving on with my life and doing what I’ve always wanted to do, which is very little.”
HBB: “I see. Anyway, perhaps the most interesting thing that we found was that although Napoleon’s head was colossally large, he had actually evolved incredibly tiny arms. He was almost certainly an incredibly adept hunter, however, as his powerful legs and long tail would have enabled him to run at speeds of over 30mph.”
HT: “Oh my god. You’re describing a T-Rex. You’ve found a fossilised T-Rex skeleton.”
HBB: “Oh, dear. Well I suppose that isn’t worth anything, is it? We should probably just throw it away.”
HT: “No – I mean… where… where is it now?”
HBB: “Well, we’ve got it in storage in Ancoats, actually.”
HT: “Well, although it’s not worth anything, I could maybe take it off your hands?”
HBB: “Oh, well that is kind of you, but what would you even do with it?”
HT: “Err… I’m thinking of using it as a… garden ornament?”
HBB: “A garden ornament? How big is your garden?”
HT: “Well, I mean, I’m happy to pay you for it. How does £1,000 sound?”
HBB: “Wow, that would be fantastic, but there’s also a storage fee that we’ve been struggling to pay; is there any chance that you could help out with that?”
HT: “How much?”
HT: “Of course, sure!”
HBB: “I mean £15,000.”
HT: “That’s fine also!”
HBB: “Then it looks like you just bought yourself a fully intact tyrannosaurus fossil!”
HT: “YES! YES! FUCKING YES!”
EDITORS NOTE: When our former journalist realised that he’d been conned with the classic Napoleon/T-Rex scam, every single blood vessel in his brain immediately burst with the sheer, unadulterated stress of it all. It’s a shame that it had to happen on his last day, but we wish him all the best in his future career.
As a corpse.
We’re begging for money on Crowdfunder, here, if you’ve got money to burn.