Following the release of several hours of undercover footage, the Dalai Lama has admitted that Buddhism is little more than a shrewd excuse for having a bit of a sit down without anyone bothering you to do some jobs or owt.
The secret footage, which was recorded by Buddhism’s age-old nemesis, Michael Gambon, showed the Dalai Lama and several other prominent Buddhists sitting about at their friend’s parents’ house, drinking Stella Artois, and watching ‘Top Gear’ and ‘Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps’ on Freeview. The Dalai Lama himself was also recorded making statements which obviously lacked the wisdom or unbreakable core of spiritual righteousness that you would expect from a man whose essence has touched nirvana, such as, “diving is just part of the game now,” and “I think I might be getting friend-zoned, bruv.”
Although the crafty lotus positioners attempted to deny the claims, they were quickly outed again, after the Dalai Lama was filmed buying Nestle chocolate milk from Tesco with an ‘Anarchy in the UK’ credit card. Since that incident, the king of all Buddhists has come out as being a deep-voiced cockney wideboy. We spoke to the man himself, after he turned up to meet us at a local boozer in his three-wheeled car and sheepskin jacket:
“Well, it was a good facking crack while it lasted,” he told us, “but all good things come to an end. We weren’t all lying cockneys by the way, and some of the people who didn’t realise that it was a con may have even gleaned some sense of self and inner-peace from the whole affair, but most of us were just avoiding a hard days graft. Personally, my mind wasn’t blank for a second, because I purposefully made sure that I was always thinking about horse racing, or Chas and Dave records, or which hypothesis was the most likely to become the grand, unifying theory of physics that encompasses both the micro interactions of quantum mechanics and the macro workings of general relativity. Oh, and tits. Man-bums too. I like a bit of everything, mate, it’s all laverly to me.”
Speculation is now rife about which other groups may secretly be some sneaky, geographical locationers, with some suggesting that all chemists may just be Australians who are trying to get unguarded access to selenium, bee keepers may be South Africans who are looking to drone out the sound of their own annoying voices, and astronauts are Japanese people who go on space walks so that they can pass wind without anyone ever hearing or smelling their terrible shame.