Following a decade long study into what makes ‘Top Gear’ fans tick, the BBC’s top geneticists have revealed today that the answer is a DNA code that is genetically 100% French.
The findings came as a surprise to the fans themselves, as they had always assumed that they loathe our suave, grape-treading neighbours more than Jeremy Clarkson detests platters of cold meat. It has been suggested, however, that the fans were slagging off France in order to hide their own inherent Frenchness, in the same way that 1980’s Jack-the-lads used to constantly assert their masculinity, lest their friends discover that they are homosexual, and not just some permanently angry arsehole.
Several questions have arisen from the study, including:
1) Where did all these French people come from,
2) Why do they love Top Gear so much, and,
To attempt to answer the first question, we spoke to one Professor Shelly Alleles, who was the lead scientist on the study:
“There are three main ways that these viewers may be French. The first is simply that they were adopted, and either they don’t know, or they are hiding their Frenchness for fear of being shunned by their caravan-hating peers.
“The second relates to an old method of conception that English people have used for centuries. You see, many Brits are so horrified by the thought of physical relations that they simply cannot bring themselves to either bump or grind upon one another. What they would do instead, was hire a French couple who would position the English in between them and then make love. In the ensuing romance, someone would eventually get pregnant, despite the English just lying there with their eyes closed, occasionally tutting and saying, “really?” as the French roamed all over the insides and outsides of their bodies. The English would usually be traumatised by the experience, and would spend the remainder of their marriage being incredibly curt with one another, avoiding all eye contact, and once a year having a blazing row over who left the bloody marmalade with the lid not properly screwed on.
“The other potential is that they simply have French ancestry. You see the tepid English gene is recessive to the dominant and fiery French one. This means that a person may be genetically French, even if their only French ancestors were more than ten generations back.”
The second question is why do these biological Frenchpeople love Top Gear so much? We posed the query to automobile savant, The Stig to find out more, although the person we asked may potentially have just been some guy in a helmet – the fact that we found him hanging around outside some bins behind our office – pantsless – giving credence to that theory:
“It’s simply because the French are the best at automobiles,” the potential, Stig told us, “always have been: always will be. I mean, Renault, Peugeot, Citreon. Three names that are to the car industry what ‘sex, ‘drugs,’ and ‘codpiece’ are to the 70’s rock scene.”
The biggest fan of Top Gear is obviously Mr. Jeremy Clarkson himself, which means that the former host is almost certainly the most Frenchest. Jeremy’s manservant had this to say:
“Deep down, Jeremy has always known that he’s French, but he’s kept it well hidden. When he was younger he used to experiment with Frenchness by cycling about with a baguette under his arm, but then one day he overheard some men making fun of him, calling him a ‘frog’ and a ‘coward’ and such. Jeremy couldn’t stand the thought of being considered cowardly, and so he immediately abandoned everything that he held dear, and set out to become a figure more British than a cheaply produced postcard of Winston Churchill frowning at a robin on an overcast heath.
“Since Jeremy came out of the French closet, however, he’s been filled with a certain je ne sais quoi, a little bit of va va voom, and a couple of bottles of Pernod. He started out thinking that he was now going to be this independent, free-thinking bohemian, but then he heard some Frenchmen complaining about his English accent, and he immediately strung some garlic round his neck, spat on the floor, and started taking the piss out of the English in a Parisian drawl. Essentially he’s like the anti-Clarkson now, which is basically just the regular Clarkson in a beret.”
Clarkson’s coming out was closely followed by that of Richard Hammond, who also claims to be French, although commentators have speculated that he is probably Belgian, which is very similar to being French, except shorter and less important.