Government Thwarts Satirists by Generating News that Already Sounds like Total Horseshit

You may have noticed a considerable increase in the number of news stories that already sound like wind-ups recently – whether it’s anti-disabled homophobes being appointed as ministers to oversee disabilities and equality, the Metropolitan police fining homeless people for not having any money, or whatever it is that Boris Johnson has, is, or will have done by the time you read this. It has now emerged, however, that this has been a concerted effort on behalf of our political elite, as a senior minister from the Department for Lolitics and Reality Fanfic explained to us:

 

“What you satirists don’t realise is that you’ve actually been working for us all along. It used to be that we’d do something God-awful, and people would just go off their nut. Now though, one of you lot swoops in and makes up some sort of supposedly funny nonsense about it all, and everyone feels instantly better. There’s a 9-point order of occurrence that we call the ‘Iannucci Effect:’

 

  1. Government,
  2. Horror,
  3. Satire,
  4. Pleasure,
  5. Mind wander,
  6. Arousal,
  7. Masturbation,
  8. Sleep,
  9. Nightmare

 

“Anyway, we’ve decided to cut out the middle man and just start with the joke and then write a policy around it. The problem with you satirists is that sometimes you accidentally make a clever point, and even less frequently than that it’s read by someone who actually understands it, and then the whole government-to-masturbation cycle gets interrupted. By creating policies that sound funny but are totally devoid of intelligence, rationality, or any chance of working, however, we are able to keep people reasonably LOLed and occasionally ROFLed, cutting out the need for all the pointless thinking. Some people don’t even realise that it is news – they just assume that it’s some bullshit satire, smirk slightly at the headline, and then get straight back to the masturbating.”

 

The influx of horseshit news has hit the satire game hard, as many chuckle aficionados are now getting their laughs directly from the filthy, liars’ mouths of politicians. As a result, top satirists have been left jobless and destitute, with reports that even Ian Hislop has been seen hanging around on street corners, offering to satirise people’s lives for £428.50 a pop – the lowest amount of money that he can still remember.

 

The Hourly Terrier, meanwhile, sold out quicker than common sense at a séance, and will henceforth be churning out Conservative policy announcements such as:

 

  • Trident Nuclear Deterrent Replaced with a big Umberella
  • Backbench Tories who Oppose the PM to be Fired – Unless of Course they Oppose the Idea
  • New Taxes to be placed on Daytime TV, Staffordshire Bull Terriers, and wet-look hair gel
  • Parasitic Wasps Brought in to take Charge of Mysteriously Failing Bee Hives
  • Boris Johnson

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