When The Duffer Brothers began filming ‘Stranger Things’ for Netflix, people warned them:
Guys, it’s 1983 – Netflix doesn’t even exist yet. I mean – Jesus – the INTERNET doesn’t even exist yet.
The brothers Duffer would not be told, however, and they went on to film the series anyway – plunging themselves into years of debt, shame, drug-abuse, and salsa dancing.
But what happened to the young actors from the series?
This did – that’s what:
Gaten Matarazzo, i.e. “Dustin Henderson”
Although the picture we’ve included makes it look like Gaten went off the rails following the false-start of his acting career, in actuality he invented the Rubik’s cube and was a multi-trillionaire by 1987.
According to his press agent, Gaten likes to spend his time painting, enjoying fine cuisine, and having casual sex with a pantheon of regular partners – most of whom are powerful CEOs or retired tennis professionals. The picture taken is from the wedding party of the eldest of his 87 grandchildren.
Noah Schnapp, i.e. “Will Byers”
‘Stranger Things’ was actually filmed in reverse order, which means that the early scenes in which Will went missing were recorded last. Unfortunately for the actor who played Will, this was also when they ran out of money, and as a result of all the arguments, fights, and salsa-offs which broke out, everyone forgot that young Noah was waiting to be filmed in the woods.
Noah spent the next thirty years lost – allegedly “finding himself” and “getting back to nature and shit.”
When he was later actually found, he “borrowed” some new jeans and sneakers, and then headed straight back out into the wilderness. When asked if he’d ever return, he simply shrugged and then passed wind for forty seconds with a ponderous look on his face.
The current theory is that a steady diet of pine cones has destroyed both his brains and intestines.
Millie Bobby Brown, i.e. “Eleven”
When The Duffer Brothers refused to pay her, the actor who played Eleven decided that she was going to get really ripped, catch up with the duo, and then beat the Stephen King references out of them.
And that’s exactly what she did.
In the heat of the beating, Millie Bobby Brown had an epiphany too – namely that she really likes beating people up.
Since then, she’s gone on to run a successful, multi-national, beating-people-up business, and Millie herself has kicked the toffee out of people in over 100 countries!
Caleb McLaughlin, i.e. “Lucas Sinclair”
An on-set accident with The Duffer Brother’s experimental dark-matter camera led to Caleb developing super powers.
Caleb has not used those powers wisely.
Finn Wolfhard, i.e. “Mike Wheeler”
In 2011, Finn Wolfhard became the first man in the Netherlands to legally marry a parrot.
In 2012, Finn Wolfhard became the first man to legally divorce a parrot.
In 2013, Finn Wolfhard became the first man to legally remarry a parrot to which they had previously been married.
In 2014, Finn Wolfhard was arrested for parrot bigamy – although he was later released when everyone realised that they just couldn’t be arsed dealing with it.
In 2015, Finn Wolfhard was found dead and partially eaten in a hotel room with over 25 parakeets.
His wife was allegedly devastated.
And also a parrot.