Noel Edmonds once more found himself in hot water today after he expressed the following “factual” opinions about cancer:
This unfortunately led to an outbreak of people remembering who Noel Edmonds is, and also just being aware of him existing as a physical entity/concept/mobile beard-delivery unit.
Humanity has been struggling to eradicate Noel Initiated Tripe With Incidental Twattery (NITWIT) for several decades now, and although there have been some successes, we are unfortunately finding that more resistant strains keep evolving.
We spoke to one of the scientists behind the potential cure – one Betty Beardkiller – to find out how this miraculous new treatment will work:
“Originally, we thought that we’d be able to vaccinate people by exposing them to small doses of Noel on Saturday morning TV. NITWIT is quite infectious, however, and before long Noel was on TV everyday presenting a game show about boxes that literally made no sense – which is testament to just how mentally debilitating this truly awful disease is.
“We thought we’d found the cure when we managed to flush him out of the circulatory light entertainment system, but since then NITWIT has managed to infect social media, and incredibly virulent strains keep appearing from out of nowhere.
“Having exhausted all other possibilities – including laughing at him, blocking him, and tying him up in a sack, we now realise that the only way of curing this thing is to launch Noel into the sun. Or possibly just space. As long as he’s off the planet and travelling away at great speeds anyway, we’re pretty sure that this will be all she wrote.”
If you yourself have felt yourself coming down with a bad case of NITWIT, you should probably consider sorting your negative energy out, mate, because that sh*ts gonna kill you.
And to be fair to Noel, he does look surprisingly well for a 745 year old man.
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