Mayor ‘Gandalfs’ Britain First & “You Shall Not Passes” Them The F*ck Out of Leicester

Having recently been ejected from Leicester by large groups of anti-racism campaigners (and larger groups of everyday people who simply saw what was going on and thought “fuck that”), Britain First have attempted to mitigate their embarrassment by…

 

…err…

 

…returning to Leicester.

 

Paul Golding – the group’s führer – claimed that the counter-protestors who coincidentally happened to be at last weeks unannounced demo were “left-wing traitors from outside of Leicester” – and to be fair – if anyone should recognise that a person isn’t from Leicester – it’s Paul – as he’s as “not from Leicester” as you can get.

 

At this weeks demo, however, an undisputed resident of the city turned up – namely their mayor – Peter Soulsby.

 

As Mayor Soulsby approached Golding’s stand, he struck his mayoral staff against the ground and shouted at Paul “The Ball-rog” Golding:

 

“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

 

“We’re not trying to pass,” Paul sniggered. “We’re gonna stay here and film ourselves from flattering angles all day so it doesn’t look like we were outnumbered by hundreds to one.”

 

“No, you misunderstand,” Soulsby said. “I mean you shall not pass this British Citizenry test,” he finished, as he slapped the exam down on Paul’s little desk.

 

“I could pass that with my eyes closed,” Golding responded, but a bead of sweat had visibly appeared on his forehead. “But I’m busy right now defending the country from Marxist, hippy traitors like you.”

 

“We’re filming you, Paul, and if you don’t take the test, we’re going to put it on the news, and we’re going to describe you as ‘Paul Golding – BNP Reject.”

 

Paul could see that his patriotic compatriots didn’t understand why he was avoiding the test, and so he grabbed the thing and got his Union Jack pen out.

 

“Fine, I’ll do it” Paul said, as he sat down to take the test – the questions of which included:

 

WHAT IS ENGLAND’S NATIONAL PASTIME?

 

  1. Football
  2. Complaining about the weather
  3. Racism

 

WHAT IS ENGLAND’S NATIONAL BIRD?

 

  1. Robin
  2. Queen Betty
  3. Racism

 

WHO WAS ENGLAND’S GREATEST HERO

 

  1. David Attenborough
  2. Winston Churchill
  3. Adolf Hitler

 

Of course, the wrongest answer in every instance was ‘C,’ and the answer that Paul chose without exception was ‘C.’

 

 

“HATCHET JOB!” Paul screamed, as he was carried away. “YOU PURPOSEFULLY MADE ME ANSWER QUESTIONS THAT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A HORRIBLE, SLOW-WITTED TOERAG!”

 

Which is true – to be fair – as the final question of the British Citizenry test is of course:

 

WHAT IS A PAUL GOLDING?

 

  1. A saviour of our green and pleasant lands
  2. An opportunistic conman who has repeatedly scammed money from people
  3. A horrible, slow-witted toerag

 

 

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You can SUPPORT THE SITE by buying one our books – our 2016 Annual, or a satirical re-telling of the Bible as written by a group like ‘Britain First’ who think that Jesus was well into his racism and that.

 

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