Following the latest conflict between Mel ‘Braveheart’ Gibson and the English redcoats, the unthinkable has happened, and the ageing rebel has sensationally had his freedom taken away from him.
This war between Mel and the redcoats began in 1994 when Braveheart was being filmed, and the cast were all lodging at the Inverness location of Butlin’s. As Gibson had a reputation for being a massive c*ck to uphold, he passed his time at the resort by rallying his fellow thespians and having them play obscene and dangerous pranks on the site’s redcoats.
Mel has returned to the resort every year since to relive past glories – although the scene grew progressively sadder as Gibson’s career and sanity waned, and the number of extras who returned to revel in his manic-glory diminished.
Although Mel’s yearly rampage had gone from being the worst weekend of the redcoat’s year to something of a sad non-event, a recent addition to the resort’s management decided that enough was enough, and that Gibson’s reign of terror should finally be brought to an end.
The addition to the staff was the Earl of Pimmsbury – a former Tory big-beast who had been sent away until the heat dies off after being intimately involved in every single scandal of the last twelve months – as well as several which are likely to break as soon as the press discover that mass-pig grave outside of Hampstead. Pimmsbury had been making his patrols one evening when he spotted Mel with a couple of shabby looking wastrels – the terrible Gibson shouting at passers-by that most famous of famous quotes – “you can take our lives, but you can never take our freedom!”
“Oh, I am not having that,” Pimmsbury said to himself, before rounding up as many redcoats as he could and then pouncing on the crazed-Australian.
When Mel came to from the awkward roughing-up that he’d received at the hands of several Scottish Drama students, he realised that he’d been locked inside a small and ugly room with no windows.
“What’s going on?” Braveheart shouted.
“We’ve detained you in Butlin’s jail,” Pimmsbury explained from the other side of the door.
“Butlin’s has a jail?”
“Well – we’ve got a janitorial closet that we weren’t using. But regardless of what it was before, you can’t help but notice that your freedom has well and truly been taken away from you.”
“Noooo! Not my freedom!”
“Indeed. Turns out it’s actually quite easy to take a person’s freedom – you just tie them up or throw them in the boot of your car.”
“But you can never take the freedom that’s inside my head!”
“You say that, Mel, but the inside of your head is part of your body, and your body is thoroughly trapped inside an Inverness Butlin’s janitorial closet.”
Eventually Butlin’s were forced to release Mr Gibson, and the Earl of Pimmsbury was forced to report to an even more northern branch of Butlin’s to lay low while the illegal-detainment suit cleared itself up.
Regardless of how much money Mel receives in compensation, however, it’s unlikely to make up for the tarnishing of his favourite catchphrase, or indeed for the lyme disease which he contracted as a result of all the rats that were in that broom cupboard.
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