Betty Windsor – the Queen of England – is allegedly “well f*cked off” that people think her hat only cost £1m – the hat in question’s actual value being closer to of all the other hats in the world multiplied by the Mona Lisa.
The criticism of ‘a woman in a £1m hat telling people to live within their means’ first appeared in a meme last year, and was recently adapted into a story on HuffPost Comedy – the planned film adaptation and rollercoaster ride apparently dropping in 2018 and 2019 respectively.
The resurgence of the accusation resulted in Queen Betty kicking off big-style – her usually perfect Queen’s English lapsing into the gutter-cockney that they speak on her home-planet.
The following is a transcript of a recording that Prince Andrew made with the intention of selling on for spending money:
“Oy – Andrew, you tw*t – ‘ave you ‘eard what these f*cking pikeys are sayin’ about my f*cking ‘at? They think it cost one million f*cking pounds or sumfink – a million f*cking pounds! I get through a million f*cking pounds wiping my arse – and that’s just on a regular day – after curry night I’m hitting double f*cking digits!
“Did you know that every single diamond in this ‘at is the cremated remains of an Indian boy prince – the ashes compressed into crystalline form under the weight of an ‘undred fousand colonial jackboots?
“And did you know that the gold was melted down from the plundered artefacts of a fousand ancient f*cking civilisations?
“And did you know that the fabric bit is made from the leater of an ‘undred Dickensian street urchins that Queen Vicky stained purple by bringing ‘em up on a diet of pure, f*cking beetroot?
“If these c*nts wanna see what a million pound f*cking hat looks like, I’ll f*cking show ‘em – cuz I’m gonna get a million f*cking quid’s worth of pound coins, I’m gonna have the army glue them together in the shape of a f*cking sombrero, and then I’m gonna crush their gypsy f*cking necks wi’ the fing – com-f*cking-prende?”
According to one our sources in the Armed Forces, construction on this giant, killer hat has already begun – although in an attempt to appear frugal, the mega-headwear will only contain £100k worth of pound coins, and it will be in the shape of a trilby as opposed to the more extravagant sombrero.
You can also support the site by clicking the image below and buying one of our books: