Any right-headed person who went to watch the first live-action Transformers movie will have quickly realised that Michael Bay’s interpretation of the franchise was about as satisfying as having your worst enemy smash diarrhoea into your eyeball with a hammer.
However – despite the fact that the movie was even less enjoyable than being trapped in an industrial strength tumble-dryer with a pack of rabid pitbulls – enough people went to watch it that it warranted a sequel.
Many assumed that the follow-up would flop, and that the first had only done so well because of the novelty factor. What actually happened was that the follow-up made more money than the first – a fact which led to the discovery of a previously unknown sub-species of humanity known as Homo Idiotus.
Although Homo Idiotus’ film-going habits have since subjected us to several years of turgid, product-promoting hyper-drivel, scientists have also hypothesised that these sub-humans may be able to contribute to society in some shape or form, and have thus been conducting experiments on them in a secret laboratory below Bradford Laser-Quest.
Through rigorous sciencing and cattle-proddery, the boffins in charge have shown that Homo Idiotus can perform such basic tasks as:
- Making a sandwich,
- Holding down a steady job,
- Commenting on the changeability of British weather,
- Half-learning how to play guitar, and
- Maintaining some form of haircut.
The most important test, however, was offering them a choice between Transformers: Dark of the Moon and a wood-chipper:
“Any sensible person would have self-Fargo-lated themselves and leapt straight into the wood-chipper,” the project’s lead-scientist noted. “But these poor idiots were sucked into the black hole of soulless, tent-pole film-offal every time. It’s very perplexing.”
If you yourself are a fan of the live-action Transformers movies, then please ask whoever’s reading this out for you if they could slap you in the face with some sort of wet haddock at their earliest convenience.
You can also support the site by clicking the image below and buying one of our books: