William Shatner Claims Birds Suddenly Appear Every Time Benedict Cumberbatch is Near

Vintage spaceman and sentence prolonger, William Shatner has claimed that whenever he approaches Britain’s premier thespian – Benedict Cumberbatch – that birds spontaneously appear.


We spoke to Bill himself to find out exactly what’s going on:


WS: “Why do. Birds. Suddenly – appear? Every time. He is.”


HT: “…”


WS: “Near.”


HT: “Sorry – are you going to talk like that all the way through this? Because you’re not in 1960’s Greenwich Village now, mate.”


WS: “This isn’t the London Jazz Festival?”


HT: “No – this is the men’s room in Bolton’s second largest branch of Wigan Fried Chicken.”


WS: “I see. That would explain why we both have our penises out.”


HT: “That would explain why I do – you walked in like that.”


WS: “Good. God.”


HT: “While you’re here, what’s all this Benedict Cumberbatch business?”


WS: “Oh my, yes. I’m a big fan of a character he played on an old episode of Holby City – a gentleman who attempted to fight-off a swarm of hornets with a hammer, and yet ended up accidentally striking himself in the genitals instead. I was impressed by. The emotion. And the conveyance of. Testicle pain.


HT: “Please don’t start with that sh*t again, Bill. Also – maybe close your pants up now.”


WS: “To cut a long story short, I simply knew that I must meet this man. And so I tracked him down, and I showed up at his home, and I knocked on his door, but before he could answer, I was mobbed by a flock of wrens. They suspected that I’d stolen their eggs.”


HT: “And had you?”


WS: “Of course! I couldn’t show up at Benedict’s empty handed now, could I?”


HT: “No – I suppose not. And I’m guessing there were further shenanigans?”


WS: “Yes – I sent Benedict an invite to the grand opening of Matt Damon’s zoo. Because as it transpired – the film We Bought a Zoo was just a confidence scam to trick Matt Damon into buying a zoo.”


HT: “Pfft – that’s the oldest trick in the book, that one.”


WS: “Undoubtedly. But the problem was that the tuxedo I wore made me look an awful lot like a penguin – resulting in several of the birds surrounding me in a huddle so that they might share my luxurious body heat. I could have escaped easily, but it was just. So. Snug.


HT: “This isn’t really a story of birds suddenly appearing though is it. This is a story about you going round confusing them with your fancy clobber or stealing their eggs.”


WS: “The last one suddenly appeared.”


HT: “Oh yeah?”


WS: “Yes – I was sleeping in my bunk bed one night – the top bunk left empty in honour of my late friend, Leonard Nimoy – when I heard a knock at the window. Approaching to investigate, I found myself face-to-face with Benedict himself. Now this was on the 38th floor you understand, but he was floating in the air like some sort of boyish vampire. “Benedict,” I said to him, “You should come in now before you catch a chill.” He didn’t reply though – he just opened his mouth, and then slowly regurgitated a live woodpigeon. “Benedict,” I said to him, “You shouldn’t put those things in your mouth. They’re riddled. With diseases.” He didn’t respond, but the woodpigeon looked me straight in the eyes and said “CHAOS REIGNS.


HT: “And this wasn’t a dream?”


WS: “I wasn’t making love to a beautiful, Klingon battle maiden, so I don’t see how it possibly could have been.”


HT: “Urgh – that is well rank then.”


WS: “Yes – my admiration for him has certainly. Diminished. Ever since.”


HT: “What are you doing now? You don’t wanna have a water fight, do you?”


WS: “I would, I would – but I’m afraid that my agent said I can’t. Get wet.”





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