The Catholic Church has been criticised today by people who are yet to have read the New Testament – the source of their ire being that the church’s Jesus-on-a-cross logo gives away the book’s dramatic ending.
We spoke to one of the irked spoilerphobes in question – a young Welsh woman called Denise Dontellme – to find out the depth of her irritation:
“I was well gonna read that book – yeah – because it’s dead popular and that, innit, and I heard that this Jesus feller was devout as f*ck. I went into the Catholic book shop to buy a copy though, and I saw this little man nailed to a big, wooden T, so I was all like ‘who’s that then?’ – and the guy on the till was all like ‘that’s Jesus Christ: he died for our sins, innit.’
“When did he do that, then?’ I asked, so he tells me that it’s like the big finale, so I tells him ‘you better not be telling me that you just spoiled this book I bought,’ and he goes, ‘no – that’s not the very end – there’s more after that.’
“I looks at him, and I says, ‘how can there more after that if he gets nailed to death on a big, wooden T – you telling me he comes back to life or something?’
“He looked all awkward then, so I could tell that he must actually come back to life, so that was it then – the entire book spoiled. I ended up buying Jeremy Irons’ biography, and I don’t want to spoil it for you or nothing, but it’s a bit of a misleading title, because he doesn’t even iron anything.”
If you yourself are in the market for something religious to read but are wary of spoilers, then you should definitely avoid looking at the logo of Judaism, because the Star of David is actually a representation of the ninja star that Mel Brooks uses to slay the golem at the end of the book.
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