Celebrity scientist and dance-synth pioneer – Professor Brian Cox – has found himself having to make a series of weird and highly energetic pornography films this past month – after accidentally signing a contract to work at an institute known as the Large ‘Hard-On’ Collider.
We spoke to Brian Cox himself to find out exactly how he got into this mess:
“I fancied a change from making documentaries at the BBC – because don’t get me wrong – I love making them – but that Doctor Who guy kept following me around when we were filming – tutting – and muttering stuff like, ‘huh – that’s what you think, pudding head.’
“I thought a job at the Large Hadron Collider would be good – working at the absolute cutting-edge of modern physics. Turns out that the advertisement I saw wasn’t for the Large Hadron Collider though – it was for the Large ‘Hard-On’ Collider – and I’d actually just misread it. To be honest though, I probably should have questioned why CERN were posting job vacancies in Razzle, but I was just so excited that I went with it.
“When I got there, I quickly realised that it wasn’t what I expected – partly because it was in some guys basement – mainly because said basement was filled with naked and middle-aged European men eating sandwiches.
“Nope,’ I said, as I walked away, but it turned out that the contract they’d signed me into was airtight. They did offer to let me out of it if I sold them my stake in the song “Things Can Only Get Better,” but I know that Tim Farron of the Liberal Democrats is interested in buying the rights, and I’ve only just got over what Tony Blair did to it.
“I don’t want to got into too much detail about what went down, but basically, I was strapped to a roundabout – naked – and the roundabout was surrounded by a circle of men – meaning that when they spun me round, parts of us… collided.
“Still – it was less humiliating than some of the things that Shaun Keaveny makes me do – another case of signing a contract without reading it. I should really start questioning these offers that I find in Razzle.”
If you’d like to see one of Brian’s Large Hard-on Collision videos, they’re all available on iPlayer now – just search for ‘Professor Brian Cocks.’
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