Despite a belief to the contrary amongst their frequently mustard-stained citizens, America has actually been voted the world’s worst country in a poll of about 1,000 people – because that’s right – all of these ‘conclusive’ polls which you’re told about usually only ask about 1,000 people – i.e., nought-point-f*ck-all of the population.
Forgetting all that though, let’s have a look at all the areas in which America has topped the charts:
- Likelihood of being shot to death in your own home with your own gun by you own dog – 1st most likely,
- Likelihood of having a name which is onomatopoeic with the sound that a chainsaw makes – 1st most likely,
- Likelihood of waking up and finding The Motley Crue doing drugs in your living room – (depends if they’re on tour), but overall 1st,
- Likelihood of having to spend billions of dollars saving Matt Damon from something – 1st most likely,
- Likelihood of being the invader, 1st most likely,
- Likelihood of being a mard-arse because them people what you invaded fought back – 1st most likely,
- Likelihood of giving serious political consideration to a punctured, billionaire whoopie-cushion with a roadkill bouffant – 1st most likely,
- Likelihood of citizens dressing themselves entirely in flags or clothes adorned with images of the nation’s national bird – 1st most likely,
- Likelihood of big-footed ape men hiding out somewhere in your forests because they think that you’re too lowbrow for them – 1st most likely,
- Likelihood of abandoning the Monarchy and then voluntarily voting leaders in just because they were related to that other leader – 1st most likely,
- Likelihood of chanting like “We’re #1” when people in your country live in third-world conditions, you have a city which may be the largest since Chernobyl to be fully-abandoned, and your health care system is worse than your mafia – 1st most likely.
If you’d like to argue against these results, please write to us in 500 words or less explaining why America is so great without using the word ‘freedom’ – because seriously – enough already with that sh*t.
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