Modern Pop Acts Running Out of Stars to Compare Unfavourably To

Modern pop acts like Kanye West and Miley Cyrus are increasingly starting to look like viable… musicians? Would you call them musicians? Sound wranglers maybe? Well anyway – due to the number of God-like pop geniuses who have recently left us, these noise-twerps are starting to look like actual, proper things – if only because we’re rapidly running out of any sort of viable alternative.

 

We spoke to Salford University’s Head of Classical, Pop, and Sodomic Banjo Music – one Lisbeth Powerballad – to find out exactly what’s going on:

 

“Back in the olden days, big acts didn’t worry about making music which was interesting or popular – they just made music that was both. Or at least the good ones did anyway – acts like Timmy Pissbum or The Womblefondlers didn’t – which is exactly why nobody remembers them today. Other than me of course – although I was the bassist in The Womblefondlers to be fair, and I’m afraid to admit that I also fingered Pissbum back in ’79, ’82, and just before and after this interview.

 

“Because all of the good things that you can do with music have already been done, acts like Kanye West basically just try to fit as much music as they can into a three minute song – making it hard for anyone with sense to argue that it’s no good, because you’d have to listen to it nine or ten times just to get a handle on it – and – you know – fuck that!

 

“Of course, it could just be that these jingle-perpetrators feel the weight of everyone that came first pressing down on them – suffocating the music in their bodies before they have a chance to pass it out – but of course that’s going to be less of a problem going forwards, as it’s looking increasingly like the entire rock, funk, jazz, and skiffle pantheon will have copped it by the end of the year.”

 

 

And yes – obviously there are still people making great music out there – but the era of great music having some sort of universality – the era of hearing a song on Radio 1 that didn’t make you want to snort a firework through your ear – seems now to be over – and every one of these legends that passes is an unavoidable and sad reminder of that fact.

 

Saying that – at least we’ve still got fucking Bono, eh?

 

 

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