A Kickstarter campaign to clone Danny Devito managed to raise $48m in 39 seconds earlier today – causing the popular crowdfunding site to crash, whilst large swathes of social media actually somehow caught fire.
The people behind the scheme plan on selling the resulting Dannys as pets – seeing their project as the spiritual successor to the movie ‘Twins,’ the former fad-toy ‘Tamagotchis,’ and the work of Victor Frankenstein. Due to the nature of the process, the resulting DeVitos will be slooped out of their cloning vats at the same age as the thespian is now, and yet will possess no memories or learned intelligence – the infantile Dannys possessing only a basic comprehension of how un-Presidential Donald Trump is as a result.
Danny owners will have to spend the first year of DeVito ownership teaching their pet how to dress, use the toilet, eat hot dogs, play pool, land leading rolls in big Hollywood productions, grow a shifty little moustache, wear pork pie hats, play the mandolin, fence, hang ten, and squeeze a woman’s chest whilst shouting ‘honk honk’ – all of which are things you must agree to, and not just weird suggestions that we’ve thrown in for a laugh.
The British have warned the Americans to temper their exuberance, however, as we had a similar operation in the UK cloning Ronnie Corbetts – an operation which quickly gave birth to several underground Corbett fighting rings.
There is also a worry that these suggestible DeVitos will be used for sexual purposes, and in anticipation of this, several porn tubes have pre-emptively created the categories ‘Danny on Danny,’ ‘DDDP,’ ‘Devito Pies,’ ‘BBDD,’ and ‘Bounce House Bukake’ – the last one having nothing to do with this to be fair, but worth mentioning as a thing anyway.
We asked a police constable how many laws such a use of a Danny would break, and the officer looked momentarily confused, before asking if we meant “against the state or against God?” – before proceeding to vomit into his helmet.
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