The popular news confuser and pooch-humaniser Kay Burley has found herself in hot water today, after she was accused of “half-wanking-off” a dog in order to make it look sad – the pundit’s plan having been to unhand the animal just before it finished – leaving it with sadness in his eyes and an uncomfortable throbbing in his loins.
We spoke to one of the Sky News camera people on the scene – one Karen Shitefilmer – to find out exactly what went down:
“Well, the day started of badly because we weren’t able to get a plane to Brussels – you know – because of the attack having taken place at the airport. Kay was fuming – saying that if those no-mark Belgians wanted to be on primetime news then they better pull their fingers out and make her a special arrangement.
“Obviously that didn’t work, and so we had to just go down to the park and pretend that we were in Belgium. Unfortunately though, none of the dogs in the park were sad, as they hadn’t witnessed a terrorist attack, and this just drove Kay up the wall. ‘You’re all nobodies’ she shouted at the dogs when they wouldn’t feign sadness on command.
“How are we supposed to report on a terrorist attack without a sad fucking dog?’ Kay asked me – poking me in the shoulder as she did so. Something gave her an idea at that point though, and she narrowed her eyes at me and said, ‘You. You’re going to wank that dog off for a bit, and then you’re going to let go of it before it finishes, and then I’m going to get my Pulitzer Prize.’
“Obviously I didn’t respond, because you can’t argue with that level of crazy – I just walked away and left her to it – Burley screaming at me ‘YOU’RE FINISHED! YOU’RE FINISHED’ as I went. Unfortunately for Kay she picked a hound with obvious performance issues, and it came well before she expected it to – leaving the woman with rage in her eyes.
“Rage and dog cum.”
Since Sky News have been unable to source a picture of a sad looking dog, DAESH have actually withdrawn their praise of the attack – a spokesperson for the organisation saying:
“As you know, our principle motivation isn’t to create a divide between Muslims and Westerners, or to spread fear and confusion, but to make people’s dogs sad. The fact that we have failed to do so this time means that we have a lot of thinking to do, and if we’re honest, we’re probably just going to knock it all on the head.”
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