‘Kinder Eggs’ Literally Lain by German Children

Germany has found itself in its biggest shit-storm since you-know-what today – following the shock revelation that the country’s number one export – ‘Kinder Eggs’ – are literally being lain by German children.


The clues were always there of course, as ‘kinder’ is the German word for ‘child,’ and ‘egg’ is the German word for ‘birthing ovoid.’ The Germans were prevented from using a more misleading title, however, due to an EU naming convention which was designed to prevent confusion or frivolity.


The question, obviously, is why are German children able to produce such delicious excretions?


The answer is that thirty years ago the Germans publicly debated how they might rid themselves of the somewhat positive (and yet overall inaccurate) stereotype of them all being efficient to the point of robotic. As the debate failed to produce results, the Germans deduced that the most efficient way of coming up with answers would be to produce new and better Germans, and that the best way of doing that would be to genetically engineer their children to be some sort of egg-laying, human/chicken hybrids – hybrids who were able to give birth to a new generation of Germans four times a month.


Although they later realised that this sort of thing only reinforced the stereotype that they’d originally been trying to dispel, by then they’d realised that the resulting eggs were actually quite chocolatey and delicious, and would probably sell for 79p a go. They also guessed that becoming a nation of jolly confectioners would present the world with a much more kindly image of themselves – whilst also giving them an opportunity to make trillions of deutschmarks on the international chocolate market.


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Of course, the grand German experiment has now come to a close, as the rest of Europe is refusing to eat the German’s sugary deposits – and in many cases are actively returning the one’s they’ve already eaten by means of vomiting into an envelope.


Which leaves us with one final question – perhaps the most important question of them all:


How did they get the little toys inside?



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