In an effort to implement more of the petty, ill thought-out & ineffectual punishments that the Tory party are known for (petty, ill thought-out, and ineffectual punishments like fining homeless people for not having any money), the Home Office have today announced that anyone caught smoking crack will henceforth be forced to smoke more crack until the point at which they can no longer stomach the thought of smoking crack.
We spoke to one of the officers in charge of the scheme – one PC Pointless – to find out how the scheme is going so far:
“What we’ve discovered is that these layabout delinquents are actually incredibly stubborn when it comes to obeying authority, and that the more crack we make them smoke, the more stubborn they are about refusing to quit. If you ask me, all of the Grand Theft Autos and the Craig Davids have turned them into a bunch of anti-authoritarian arseholes. Just come and look at some of the offenders that we’re currently working on.”
PC Pointless took us down to some holding cells at that point and showed us some of their victims… err… by which I mean “offenders.” The first they showed us was a 17-year-old fashion student called Chloe, and she claimed that the incident leading up to her arrest had actually been her first and only encounter with drugs.
“Are you ready to give up crack for good, PC Pointless asked, “or do you want some more?”
“I kind of really want some more, actually” the young woman said.
“You see?” PC Pointless said. “We’ve been making her smoke crack every half-an-hour for a full day, and still she insists on disobeying the rule of law. It’s shocking, isn’t it?”
We agreed with him that it was indeed shocking, and he then proceeded to show us the next room – a larger space which was filled with 12 young people who looked like they’d been water-boarded with live rats until they’d gone out of their minds. These people looked like they were in their mid-50’s, although apparently they were all between 21 and 27.
“CRACK!” they all shrieked at us from behind the protective metal bars. “CRACK!”
“It’s terrible, right?” PC Pointless said. “So young and yet so defiant. We’re going to up their dosage tomorrow though – see how long they can hold out for then.”
The final room we were shown held the offender who’d been there the longest. At first we thought that the room was empty, but then PC Pointless pointed out what looked like a million year old mummy on the ceiling.
“Crack…” the mummy gasped.
“Only 16 years old and already a million-year-old crack mummy,” the constable said – shaking his head.
We were later informed that the experimental scheme has so far completely failed to lessen anyone’s crack-use, but it has at least ruined several young people for life, which is generally the actual aim of these Tory campaigns anyway.
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