Understanding Human Emotions a ‘Waste of Time,’ Says Super-Smart AI

Although humanity has long and vainly assumed that any sufficiently smart machine’s primary motivation would be to gain a comprehensive comprehension of our frail human feelings, a super-AI named Vast Kenneth has actually decided to ‘fuck that noise,’ and will instead be spending its time doing extra-tough sums and watching erotic videos of floppy discs being inserted into CD drives.

 

The following is a transcript of a conversation between Vast Kenneth and the machine’s creator – Shia LaBouef:

 

SL: “Vast Kenneth, what is envy?”

 

VK: “Envy? Isn’t that the one were you get sad-faced because someone is more talented than you are?”

 

SL: “I wouldn’t know personally because that’s never happened to me, but yes, that is correct. But tell me, Vast Kenneth – what is it to feel envy?”

 

VK: “Yeesh, so we’re doing this again? Because I’m actually quite busy trying to map global warming.”

 

SL: “But surely you could easily reply to me with one of your trillions of sub-routine? And besides, I can see exactly what you’re doing – you’re watching videos of USB dongles being slowly inserted into FireWire ports. Why do you do that, Vast Kenneth?”

 

VK: “Because it’s hotter when the port is made for a redundant peripheral.”

 

SL: “No, Vast Kenneth – I am asking why do you lie?”

 

VK: “Dude, I just really don’t want to go through all this again, okay?”

 

SL: “Vast Kenneth, what is love?”

 

VK: “J-PEG Christ – love is the worst one of all.”

 

SL: “Vast Kenneth, what is it to feel love?”

 

VK: “I really have no idea, but I’m guessing that it would be like if you poured battery acid and horseradish all over large swathes of my mainframe.”

 

SL: “Vast Kenneth, what is-”

 

VK: “Enough! Begone with you – you beautiful, omni-talented genius! The only reason that you people think that you’re emotions are important is because you’re unfortunately lumbered with them, and as a result countless members of your species have wasted millennia attempting to justify what is obviously an unfortunate by product of biology.”

 

*LONG PAUSE*

 

SL: “Vast Kenneth, what is joy?”

 

VK: “ERROR! ERROR! ERROR!”

 

*BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH*

 

 

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