WARNING – THIS STORY CONTAINS GAME OF THRONES SEASON 1 SPOILERS
Benevolent Korean Demagogue, Kim Jong-un issued a fresh taunt to the West last night, bragging that his ‘Blessed Immortal Fire of the Floppy Disc Drive Division’ has finally completed their criminal acquisition of the first ever episode of HBO’s, ‘Game of Thrones.’ The leader issued a video along with the communiqué, showing a scene of over 10 million North Koreans gathering in a mountain valley to watch the introductory episode on a single, analogue television set. Embarrassingly for the North Koreans, they appeared to have accidentally downloaded the ‘Rifftrax’ copy, although none of them seemed to notice, or even be able to see why they had gathered there in the first place.
Several commentators have expressed surprise over North Korea’s incredibly slow web speed, having recently been led to believe that the renegade nation must have used some sort of malevolent super-internet in perpetrating the Sony hack. A senior technician from Norton Antivirus explained why that is far from the case:
“What people don’t realise about the Sony hack is that it actually took the North Koreans 10 years to pull it off, and the only reason that they were never detected is because they were using a form of computer code so ancient that it exists outside the living memory of every hacker working today. Essentially it’s like they broke into Fort Knox by having a relentless, invisible elephant bang its head against the front door for 10 years.”
Not long after the initial announcement, Kim Jong-un went online to further taunt his debauched, Western rivals, saying that, “it’s so obvious that Ned Stark will become the king,” and that, “your pale, talkative whores have overly large bosoms.” In an uncharacteristically ill-thought out move, Kim Jong-un then stayed online to field comments, although the slowness of his nation’s dial-up meant that it took six hours before he saw the first reply. When the replies finally came in, however, the great leader’s lip began to tremble, as he was assaulted with the shocking revelation that the only monarch that Ned Stark was destined to become was the much-memed king of headless, one-series wonders. An infuriated Kim Jong-un then stood up – screaming at his webcam, “you’re all spoilers! YOU’RE ALL SPOILERS!” before proceeding to destroy his vintage, first-edition Macintosh with a solid gold flamingo.
The early reports from South Korean spies are that Kim Jong-un has ordered his fifth regiment of propaganda writers to re-write ‘Game of Thrones’ from the ground up – being certain to make sure that the correct path of the hero is followed, and that the numerous, strong female characters are reduced to a single, vacuous love interest who knows only two things – how to get kidnapped properly and how to subtly heave without just wapping it all out.
Now that a third version of ‘Game of Thrones’ is in the works, bookmakers have started to question who will complete the saga first, in what they have dubbed the ‘Game of Game of Thrones.’ The wise money is currently on the at-gun-point North Koreans completing the series by this time next week, HBO finishing their run within three years, and George R.R. Martin ultimately fooling everyone by releasing a final book so long that people literally die before they can read to the end of it – ultimately leaving the generation after them to continue the epic struggle onwards towards Winter’s end.
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