Robin Sues to be Legally Emancipated from Batman

Controversy has struck the world of super-heroism this morning as Robin filed legal papers to be emancipated from his primary caregiver, the Batman. The Boy Wonder himself had this to say, in an interview that he gave to Lois Lane at The Daily Planet:

 

“At first it seemed like the coolest thing in the world. I was a 13-year-old boy with dead parents – he was a psychotic, middle-aged billionaire in crotch-hugging leggings – it was every young boy’s dream. Things got real pretty quickly though.

 

“The first couple of times we went out I just watched while Batman beat up some run-of-the-mill goons. It was kind of cool, but even then there was something off about him. For a start, he kept making quips as he was taking out the bad guys, which seemed kind of weird because he was really doing them some damage. I mean, one guy’s jaw came clean off, and after he did it, Batman turned and shouted to me, ‘hey, did you see that jaw-dropping move,’ while just behind him this low level perp was dementedly screaming from the gory hole that used to be his face.

 

“Pretty soon though, Batman had me fighting alongside him, and some of our opponents were pretty serious guys. You feel pretty invincible when you’re standing beside Batman, or at least you do until Killer Croc gets you by the ankles and starts smashing your face against a brick wall. I lost a hell of a lot of teeth in that first year.

 

“Things got really bad the first time we went up against Joker together. Batman kept telling me to spread out – I kept telling him that there was no fucking way that I was wandering off on my own to get jumped by that scrawny, clown-faced murder-freak. Batman was furious, and he kept growling in his incomprehensible voice, saying something about how ‘that’s not how you play the game.’ I was thinking about just getting the hell out of there, when all of a sudden, Batman shouts, ‘lookout, Robin!” before shoving me in the back and sending me straight into a set of the Joker’s giant-sized chattering-teeth. I’m pretty sure that Batman could have got me out, but he just stood there shouting, ‘noooooo!’ and watching as the teeth slowly carried me away.

 

“The Joker wasn’t so bad, actually, because I’d hidden a pistol in my waist band, and I just immediately unloaded it into his face when he came gurning up to me. I mean seriously though, it gets to a point where if you don’t just kill the guy, you’re basically responsible for every single crime that he commits.

 

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising  the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

 

“The bit that really freaked me out though was when I got back to Wayne Manor, and I found Bruce in a secret room. I’d never seen it before, but it was lined with glass cases that all had old Robin costumes in them, and it was then that I realised that I was just the most-recent in a long line of Boy Wonders. Batman, meanwhile, was led in a pile of old Robin suits in the middle of the room, rolling around in them and shouting, ‘why!? WHY!? WHY!?!?’

 

“Yeah, so I slowly backed out of the room, stuffed as much silverware into my tactical combat onesie as would fit, and then high tailed it down to child protection services. I mean, I don’t know what the guy’s problem is, but he shouldn’t be making children fight against murder clowns. Or space aliens. Or Danny DeVito. That just seems obvious now. Right?”

 

Lois Lane responded to the tale by asking if what Robin had said was true – that Bruce Wayne was in fact the Batman.

 

“Oh, fuck,” was Robin’s response. “He’s really not going to be happy that I told you that.”

 

 

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