CEO of the Environment, Sir. David Attenborough has sensationally revealed that the common badger is actually incredibly uncommon – being in fact an animal that wasn’t, isn’t, and will never be, i.e. a fantastical neverbeast – similar to the unicorn’s of myth or the reasonably priced plumbers of adverts.
The following is a transcript of what Attenborough had to say on the matter:
“Working for the BBC, I’ve kept a lot of dirty secrets over the years. Now that the government is going to sell us off to Channel Dave though, there doesn’t seem to be much point in keeping them anymore. Right, so here goes then, and secret number one from the big bag of BBC conspiracies is that we made up ‘badgers’ in the 1970s to help promote ‘Springwatch.’
“Back in 1972, nobody gave a yak’s udder about the British countryside: all anyone cared about was the concrete, brutalist architecture of modern municipal buildings and just how tightly Robert Plant’s trousers pulled at his crotch. Anyway, the big wigs at the BBC brought me in one day and they said, listen, David, I know that people have a great time watching your films and that you have a great time making them, but we simply can’t afford to be sending you out to Papua New Guinea and the Galapagos every week – we need to be producing something a bit more home-grown and cheap.
“I said to them, no one’s arsed about UK wildlife because it’s awful. What the viewers want are tigers and ostriches, not tabby cats and whatever it is you call those squawking, black and white birds that keep stealing the lids from my milk bottles. They looked me straight in the eye and said, well actually we don’t think that’s true, David – we’ve got this young chap here called Bill Oddie, and he’s dreamed up an animal that he calls a ‘badger,’ and we’re going to film him with expensive, night-vision cameras, and tell everyone that these animals live in underground warrens all over the country.
“Well, at that point they actually brought the silly bugger in, and he was already dressed in the costume. I told him to stop being such a bloody fool, but he refused to drop the charade, and he came snuffling over on all fours – growling at my loafer. I simply threw my hands up in the air and told them they were mad if they thought the British public would believe such obvious horsesh*t, but then again, that was before I’d been continuously let down by your planet-annihilating choices for the best part of a century.
“Anyway, that’s all for today, but I’ll back tomorrow to reveal the shocking truth about Michael Fish – namely that he isn’t a fish at all, but actually some sort of large, bipedal mammal.”
David Attenborough will be publishing this story and more in his upcoming book, ‘You Have all Disappointed me so Very Much, and you Deserve Everything That Happens Next.’
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