AIDS Babies ‘Had it Coming,’ Confirms Fundamentalist God

Fundamentalist God – i.e. the guy who runs the religions that people like Britain First and ISIS follow – has today settled a long-standing question of atheists – namely that if God is truly good and actually has some sort of plan, then what is the purpose of babies being born with terminal illnesses?

 

Our reporter sat down with the angry deity to find out the thinking behind this delicate matter:

 

HT: “So, God – first off can I just say that I thought you were wonderful in the movie “Noah” – just really, really fantastic stuff.

 

G: “I AM IN ALL MOVIES BECAUSE I AM EVERYWHERE.”

 

HT: “Like Matthew McConaughey in 2014.”

 

G: “EXACTLY – HE WAS SO HOT THAT YEAR THAT MY GOOD BUDDY SATAN LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID ‘OH MY – THAT MAN IS VERY HOT.”

 

HT: “Creative… creative language there. But what we’re really here to talk about is all OF the poor, little children who live short, little lives of insufferable suffering, and what we want to know, Fundamentalist God, is why? Why would you perpetrate such horrific horror on these sweet and innocent bairns?”

 

G: “THEY MIGHT LOOK INNOCENT, BUT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM WAS BORN RIDDLED WITH SIN – LIKE UNMARKED APPLES FILLED WITH MAGGOTS, AND MAYBE ALSO SOME SORT OF LOUSE.”

 

HT: “But aren’t you in charge of all that? Why didn’t you just make them all sans sin?”

 

G: “OH YES – I DIDN’T THINK OF THAT ACTUALLY. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH WORKING FROM HOME – THERE’S NO ONE THERE TO BOUNCE YOUR IDEAS OFF. YOU CAN WEAR A WHITE ROBE AND SANDALS WITHOUT ANYONE MAKING FUN OF YOU THOUGH, SO IT IS SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS REALLY.”

 

HT: “Right… so maybe lay off the babies?”

 

G: “UMM… NO… I DON’T THINK SO.”

 

HT: “Why not?”

 

G: “WELL, I KIND OF SETUP YOUR UNIVERSE ON THE BASIS THAT I’M INFALLIBLE, AND IF I START ADMITTING MISTAKES NOW, THEN I’M PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER SEVEN DAYS PUTTING EVERYTHING RIGHT.”

 

HT: “Seven days, eh? Wow. I used to think that it was impressive that you managed so much in one week, but actually you seem to have been massively cutting corners.”

 

G: “WELL, IT WAS MY FIRST UNIVERSE TO BE FAIR, AND I WANTED TO GET IT FINISHED BEFORE I WENT ON MY GAP ETERNITY SO THAT I HAD SOMETHING TO BRAG ABOUT IN THE AGELESS-ENTITY HOSTELS IN COSMIC AUSTRALIA.”

 

HT: “Just sort it out.”

 

G: “ERR… NO. MAYBE JUST THINK OF THEM AS A LESSON?”

 

HT: “And what lesson is that?”

 

G: “DON’T BE BORN RIDDLED WITH SIN.”

 

HT: “…”

 

G: “…”

 

HT: “You’ve got mustard on your robe.”

 

*FLICKS FUNDAMENTALIST GOD IN THE NOSE AS HE LOOKS DOWN AND THEN RUNS AWAY*

 

HT: “Dick head!”

 

G: “EXPECT A PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR, MORTAL!”

 

HT: “You’re not Santa! Or a Highlander!”

 

G: “WELL, IT TAKES ONE TO… ERR… HMM…”

 

 

Yes – so essentially confirming what we all already knew about the sort of God that fundamentalist religious people believe in – that he’s a massive, massive arsehole.

 

 

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