‘Stop Saying Small Cocks Make Massive Arseholes,’ Complain Slightly Embarrassed Men

In response to a recent report suggesting that Hitler had some sort of malformed, ill-functioning micro penis – and the commonly-held belief that most fascists are simply suffering from an unfortunate case of diddy-dick – a group of incognito men have contacted us to refute the correlation that most people have drawn between terribleness and tiny-tinky syndrome.

 

We took statements from these men anyway to find out how they manage to possess such small genitals without committing atrocities on a daily basis:

 

Anonymous, 37, just below average.

 

“How do I get by without becoming a ruthless despot? I don’t know – the thought’s never crossed my mind to be honest. So sure, I need to keep hold of it when I’m pooing to make sure that I don’t piss all over the seat, but that’s never given me an urge to invade Poland. Okay, so I did once barge into a Polish butcher’s after it had closed, but that wasn’t really my fault – the owner had just forgotten to turn his ‘open’ sign to ‘closed.’ I mean yeah – obviously I considered occupying the shop as a means of showing my strength to the French baker’s next door and the British teashop across the road, but that’s nothing to do with my trouser-mouse – that’s just the best way of guaranteeing good service at your local food vendors.

 

“You’re not going to tell anyone my real name though, right? I mean, I’m not that bothered, but I’m also not so not bothered that I’d want people to know and think that I’m some sort of would-be Hitler.”

 

Anonymous, 18, micro penis

 

“As if it wasn’t bad enough having a barely functioning cock, I’ve also got to constantly put up with being linked to the worst people throughout history! Unfortunately, however, there’s nothing we can do to end this blatant discrimination, as there’s no way that we could come together as a group to fight it, because… well… because then people would know. I suppose we could all ski-mask up, but that probably wouldn’t do anything to dismiss the idea that we’re all violent, ideological extremists.”

 

Anonymous, 45, two inches

 

“You know what? Fuck it – I’ve had enough. You want a tyrant, I’ll give you a fucking tyrant you shit-housing bastards. Heil… err… I don’t want to say who you’ll be heiling actually, but you’ll fucking find out, believe you me.”

 

YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SITE by buying our 2015 Annual or 'The Britan Ferst Bible' - a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First. (LINK NOW WORKS!)

YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SITE by buying our 2015 Annual or ‘The Britan Ferst Bible’ – a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First. (LINK NOW WORKS!)

 

If you yourself have got a below average-sized penis, just research how to work a g-spot or do balls-stuff, and you’ll end up being more sexually proficient than the people who simply think that having a statistically average-to-large sized loins is all you need anyway.

 

And try not to initiate any sort of Reich. Otherwise you’re just giving us all a bad name. I mean giving yourselves a bad name.

 

Yes…

 

Yourselves…

 

 

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