Duncan Bannatyne Invests £48m in a Dating Website for Cats

Following the unstoppable success of his scrotal anti-wrinkle cream, Duncan Bannatyne is once more taking a spin of the investment wheel – this time by ploughing a moderately colossal fortune into a dating website that’s aimed solely at cats.


Duncan met with us himself to explain how this seemingly unworkable setup will work:


DB: “Right, these two cats that you’re looking at are Mr Clawsy and Lady Catterly, and they met through our site FurryPussyHookups.org.”


[As Duncan says this he shows us two cats in a box – growling at one another with their fur puffed out]


HT: “Oh wow… that name… moving on though, they didn’t actually meet themselves, did they? I assume that their owners have used the service to bring their cats together for… reasons…?”


DB: “No, no – all of the matches are decided by the cats themselves.”


HT: “But how do you get the cats to operate the website? I was under the impression that you couldn’t get a cat to do anything.”


DB: “I’ll show you.”


[Duncan shows me into another room in which a cat has been hooked into a chair like the one from ‘A Clockwork Orange,’ and is being made to watch potential dating matches]


HT: “Good lord, man! How did you even get the cat into that thing!?”


DB: “With a lot of difficulty, you can believe me.”


[Duncan laughs, rolls up his sleeve, and reveals an arm so badly scratched that in places you can see muscle]


HT: “You need to get to a hospital, mate. Although I would first like to know how you can tell when the cat has made a match.”


DB: “When the cat craps itself, we take that to mean that it’s made its choice.”


HT: “Not just that the animal has voided its bowels in terror?”


DB: “No, we’ve got a team of boffins who can tell the difference between a fear-poo and a romance-poo.”


[Duncan nods at a trio of sinister looking people in white coats who are all silently smoking in the corner]


HT: “I was worried that this latest venture of yours would be mad and pointless, but actually it seems like it’s mad and evil.”


DB: “Hey, in my book results speak for themselves – come and have a look at the two cats we’ve matched up again.”


[We return to the cats to find that one of them has pinned the other to the floor – Duncan once more laughs]


DB: “She’s playing hard to get.”


HT: “This whole scheme is hard to get. Whose your target audience on this?”


DB: “Millionaires who are completely mad about their cats.”


HT: “Ohhh – I get it now. And you’ll charge them extortionately I take it?”


DB: “Extortionately.”


HT: “I think you’ve cracked it. Good luck with your cat-torturing enterprise.”


DB: “Luck is for contestants on ‘The Apprentice.’ I make my own luck.


[Duncan holds up a bottle marked ‘luck’ – a bottle which is filled with a liquid that appears to be and smells like urine]


HT: “Cool.”


YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SITE by buying our 2015 Annual or 'The Britan Ferst Bible' - a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First. (LINK NOW WORKS!)

YOU CAN SUPPORT THE SITE by buying our 2015 Annual or ‘The Britan Ferst Bible’ – a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First. (LINK NOW WORKS!)



If you want to use Duncan’s pussy-hookup website, we suggest that you start saving now, carry on saving, put all your money in a high interest savings account, become frozen in ice, and then get thawed out about 2,000 years from now.


And then repeat.


A few times.


And don’t forget to thaw your cat too, because otherwise you will be reanimated only to find that it’s a skeleton, and there probably isn’t a match-website for cat skeletons.





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