The dream of recreating the Titanic was metaphorically sunk today, after the replica luxury ship was quite literally sunk – following a full-on collision with a replica iceberg. Although – to be fair – if you wanted to recreate the experience of the Titanic, the sinking is essentially the main thing about it. We probably wouldn’t even be aware of it if it hadn’t sunk – I mean – how many other cruise ships from 1912 can you identify by name? It’s more of a famous catastrophe than it is a famous vessel.
Anyway – we spoke to a passenger from the Titanic II – one Rose Knockoff – to find out exactly how things went down:
“When I boarded the ship I was rich in wealth and massive hats, but I know now – that before I met Jack Lowrent – I was actually a much poorer woman. Poorer in love. And anecdotes. Because this is a really great anecdote – the sort of thing that Uwe Boll – the modern day James Cameron – would make a film out of.
“Jack was one of the Irish slaves that they had working in the engine room. Of course it isn’t acceptable to use Irish people as slave labour in this day and age, so they had to replicate the experience by using out-of-work young people and the disabled – you know – scroungers, basically.
“When I first saw him, I knew that he was the one for me – because he was the least ugly one there, and there wasn’t any Wi-Fi on board. He offered to paint me in my room on our first date, but it turned out that he wasn’t any good at it, so we just took dirty pictures of one another on our camera phones, and then had awkward sex in a mock-antique grandfather clock. It was romantic as balls.
“Unfortunately, however, it turned out that Uwe Boll was actually remaking Titanic, and we collided with the replica iceberg that he’d had built for his film’s finale. Thankfully, there was actually enough lifeboats this time round, but there’s nothing romantic about everyone making it out alive, so I insisted that Jack float alongside us in the water.
“He kept saying to me, ‘I’ll never let go, Rose,’ but I don’t think that he’d even seen the film he was quoting, because he actually did hold on – even as I started to hit him in the face with an oar. I tried explaining to him that it would make for a more classical ending to our brief affair if he drowned, but secretly I was just worried that he’d share the nude pictures, because that’s what these poor disabled people are like. Awful. Just awful.”
You’ll be glad to know that Ms Knockoff was arrested shortly after our interview concluded, and will be serving a fifteen-year sentence in a replica of Alcatraz prison. You may also like to know that the Titanic II hasn’t even set sail yet, and that Rose is just some psycho who goes round drowning Leonardo Dicaprio look-a-likes in boating ponds.
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