Fans of Top Gear’s classic three-white-men setup have been left shit-knickered today, after the new lineup was revealed, and we discovered that it was chock-a-block full with exactly the sort of non-normals that good old Jeremy Clarkson would have shaken his saggy jowls at in horror.
We spoke to a superfan of the series – one Nigel Carscarsfuckingcars – to find out exactly what the mood was like in the Top Gear fandom:
“It was bad enough when they hired Chris Evans, because gingers are… well… do you not remember what people thought about them in school? You didn’t like the gingers because they were… ginger… and he’s ginger. So you can see the trouble there, right?
“The they hired Joey from friends, who is a foreign American, which is exactly the sort of foreigner that Clarkson loved, because you can take the piss out of them all day without the PC brigade piping up. He’s not going to take the piss out of himself though is he? And how is Evans gonna do it when he’s got one of them right there standing next to him? It’s mad: it’s like they haven’t thought it through at all.
“Now though, they’ve gone fucking mental with it. There’s an Asian and a black man for one, and I can’t see either of them saying ‘nigger’ by accident. I mean – the black guy might say it – I suppose – but they’re allowed to – apparently – which isn’t really fair if you ask me. By my reckoning, if they’re allowed to complain about us being racist to them for centuries, then surely we should be allowed to criticise them for stubbornly still being black? And don’t tell me that it isn’t a choice – just look at that Michael Jackson. Now he had the right idea. Well… you know… not always… but you get my point.
“And to top it all of, they’ve gone and hired a fucking woman. Now personally, I would have been happy to have a woman on the show, but only so we could ogle her a bit and laugh at how shit they are at driving. This one was an honest-to-goodness racing driver though, and I can’t see what’s supposed to be funny about that? And I’m not even that blown away by her tits, if I’m honest. Although I will train my eyes on them like a magpie on a discarded crisp packet every time that they’re on screen, obviously, because I’m not gay. Which is another thing we probably won’t be allowed to accuse people of as a joke anymore. Fucking health and safety.
“The fact that it isn’t just three white men has even got me worrying that The Stig might not be… you know… normal. Normal like I am. And Clarkson is. And Goering was. Because I don’t know about you, but if more than 5% of the people I see over the course of the day aren’t white, I seriously start getting a panic-on. Not that I’m racist. I just don’t like seeing… people of… other races… ever…”
If you’re worried that the new series of ‘Top Gear’ will be boring because of the new hosts, don’t be – it will be boring because it’s about cars.
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