Department for Health Promotes new Sexual Safety Equipment

WARNING!!! (Not safe for work. Or anywhere else.)

Following a sharp increase in sexually-related mishaps, the Department for Health has issued a new set of guidelines to help keep people safe when they are banging one another, slurping off, thrashing themselves silly, or just playing a quick game of hide the ketchup.


The guidelines and recommended safety equipment released so far are as follows:


  • Helmets, knee-pads, and elbow pads are to be worn at all times. Elbow and knee-pads are there to reduce the occurrence of carpet burns, and helmets are there to allow you to carry out the more outlandish positions without fear of a split noggin.

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  • Safety goggles to protect you from getting an eyeful of semen/squirt, or a rogue dildo/schlong.

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  • A miniature helmet for your miniature man-helmet in case you slip and accidentally thrust upwards into the pelvis.

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  • A full safety harness strapped to the ceiling to be worn by whoever is on top, and a seat belt for whoever is on the bottom

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  • The receiving party in a doggy-style embrace must wear wing mirrors so that they keep an eye on objects in the rear.

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  • Anyone who wishes to challenge themselves anally should enlist the help of a buddy to monitor the situation, and make sure that there is no accidental and hilarious rear-ingestion.

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  • Full-on hazmat suits to be worn for golden showers and chest shitting.

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  • Little high visibility jackets for cocks and dildos to waylay wayward poking.

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  • A strip of landing lights running down the vaginal flaps and bum cheeks – again to prevent purposeless pokeage.

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  • And finally, insurance must be taken out by all sexually active adults, although said insurance will be made null and void if you join either the Mötley Crüe or The Bullingdon Club.

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Although there was some concern about it taking the fun out of it all, within an hour of the announcement there was over 42,000 videos of health & safety porn uploaded to the internet – proving definitively that the highly adaptive species of humanity can fetishise anything.



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