Pope Francis has reached out to Catholics the world over to urge that they find it in their hearts to forgive George Lucas for the awful mess that he made of the ‘Star Wars’ prequels.
“My fellow Catholics,” the Pope said to the crowded masses. “It is time to forgive George Lucas for the mess that he made. The new sequel will be coming out this Christmas, and it is very important that we let go of all of the hate, so that we can come together as one to enjoy the shit out of this new movie.
“And not everything in the prequels was so terrible, was it? Darth Maul was pretty cool, yes? And the bit when Anakin killed the children was a favourite of mine. And also… the music that they reused from the first films was still very good.”
At this point, one of the devoted shouted up to the heavenly father:
“But what about the Midochlorians? What about the horrible, dead-eyed acting? What about the Jar-Jar Binks!?”
At the mention of the hated gungan, the Pope noticeably winced and made the sign of the cross in front of himself. When he spoke next, the pontiff was speaking through gritted teeth.
“I have spoken with God regarding the Jar-Jar, and he has assured me that the Binks – he is going straight to Hell. Now I know that the ‘Star Wars’ is not real, but God removed another one of Adams’ ribs and he used it to bring the gungan to life, so that he could squish it beneath his colossal, blessed palm. Also, the actor who played him will go to Hell too. And also his children. And his children’s children.”
“But why not George, then?” another of the devoted shouted. “Why should the players be responsible for what the creator has wrought?”
“Ah, because that is the Catholic way,” the Pope answered. “And also, because George created the Admiral Ackbar, and he is another particular favourite of mine.”