Following years of actively seeking out the worst films he could find to star in – the sort of films that Johnny Depp wouldn’t even consider – the sort of films that Nicholas Cage wouldn’t even consider – Robert De Niro has fulfilled his ambition of becoming to modern cinema what the air horn is to modern music, and yet – somehow – people are still queuing up to watch his increasingly brain-draining screen drivel.
“But why?” you’re probably asking. “Why is Robert De Niro so motivated to drop his metaphorical trousers and douse loud, brown horror all over the smoldering embers of a once great movie career?”
The answer goes back to 1985 – the point at which Bobby had finally earned enough money to spend the rest of his life doing what every young New York rapscallion grew up wanting to do – namely throwing handfuls of marmalade at gypsies. Although some gypsies are actually known to encourage this behaviour as a cheap means of harvesting marmalade, Bob unfortunately made the mistake of launching a great big globfull of the stuff at an elderly crone who was both allergic to oranges and of the opinion that filming ‘Raging Bull’ in black and white was a bit pretentious.
The gypsy took revenge on De Niro by cursing him – and also by scratching his face with a sharpened pinecone – but mainly just by cursing him. The curse in question was that Bob would have to keep working in cinema for as long as film roles were forthcoming, and also that he would never again enjoy the smell of his own farts. Also, that goldfish would always best him in a game of chess – although that one never really came up, and was only added because the gypsy liked to do everything in threes due to a mild case of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Due to a mild case of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Due to a mild case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Bobby D tried to make the work dry up by only making painfully shit films, but people still turned up to watch them anyway – almost as if they couldn’t help themselves. And in fact, it now turns out that many of these De Niro viewers literally cannot hold themselves back from watching whatever the man’s latest back-alley kidney removal of a movie is, as they too were cursed by the gypsy – only they were cursed to have to watch his films rather than star in them – creating a never ending feedback loop of bilge, disappointment, and cashola.
If you’re wondering what De Niro-centric horrors are awaiting us in 2016, prepare yourself for ‘Mafia Lumberjack’ – a film about a wise guy who goes into witness protection and learns how to do things with an axe which aren’t irreversibly illegal, and ‘Hot Young Knockers’ – in which Bob switches bodies with Miley Cyrus – i.e. the human equivalent of a happy dog with its lipstick out – for little to no comedic payoff, and a feeling for anyone watching like taking a sauna in Roy Chubby Brown’s armpit.
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