Most Erotic Muscle ‘Actually the Dick & Balls,’ Confirm Scientists

Following years of an inaccurate belief to the contrary, scientists have today announced that the brain is not the most erotic muscle after all, and that actually the most sexually inspiring flesh-lump is the humble dick and balls.


We spoke to a member of the science crew behind the findings – one Declan Sexidiot – to find out more:


“We’d always been puzzled about the idea of a brain being the most erotic muscle – well puzzled. Firstly, because it’s not even a muscle: it’s essentially just a glorified pancreas. And secondly, what’s sexy about a brain? Or any organ for that matter? Other than the gall bladder obviously, because that one is a real hot tamale.


“To find out what hunk-of-meat people actually considered to be the most erotic, we needed an environment in which people could encounter these organs unexpectedly, so that we were able to gauge how instantly hot-to-trot they were made by the unanticipated introduction of sex flesh. The most obvious location that we could think of was in a public bathroom, because no one would ever expect illicit intercourse there, and by cutting a hole in one of the dividing walls I was able to present my dick and balls without the rest of my body being visible.


“And the old chap got quite a lot of attention, believe you me, and as the visitors to that wretched, smelly shack could not possibly have been expecting sex business when they entered, we can only assume that the sight of a dick and balls is enough to drive anyone erotically bananas.


“The brain, however, was far less successful, as the majority of people who walked in and found a human-brain floating in the toilet simply ran away screaming. A couple of people did actually urinate on it, but we’re pretty sure that was only because they really needed to go, as opposed to being some sort of ‘golden shower’ type scenario.


“We did also try using a vagina with our science hole, but that got no activity at all, although possibly the fact that it didn’t protrude from the opening meant that no one even knew it was there – lurking – waiting to be filled with hot and creamy research. We likewise attempted to recreate the entire experiment in a womens’ bathroom, but – well – that’s why it’s taken so long for the study to come out – because I’ve been doing an eighteen-month stretch in Strangeways. And by the way, my time there did very little to persuade me that the brain is more erotically instigating than the dick and balls. Very little.”


The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.


If you yourself are in possession of a primo set of dick and balls, then please feel free to send us a picture of them.


For… research purposes.


Alternatively, if you’re in possession of a nice brain and are able to photograph that, then you should probably get that looked into. Because you shouldn’t be able to freely snap pictures of it. It’s supposed to be in your body.



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