Studio Wants CGI Snape to Breakdance on Goblin King’s Grave in Labyrinth Reboot

Although talks of continuing/rebooting/profiting from the nostalgia of everyone’s favourite David Bowie/horror-puppet movie have been happening for awhile, it wasn’t until the late Goblin King’s unfortunate demise that the money-people behind the project were ready to say, ‘Hey – David Bowie’s trending right now, so I bet what people really want is news of a movie which is tangentially linked to him, and yet also completely devoid of his presence due to the fact that he’s now dead.’

 

Lesser souls may have worried that announcing the project at this moment in time would come across as a cynical attempt to capitalise on Bowie’s death. Smarter people may have worried that a combination of that and the fact that people are already less than positive about remakes would lead to a backlash so powerful that it would travel all the way round the world and hit them in the arse on the way back round.

 

Essentially it’s a Hamlet-type situation in which not only has daddy died, but mummy has shacked up with your uncle, and the pair have broken the news to you by having loud, doggy-style sex on your father’s open casket.

 

The fact that the announcement has generated such attention, however, has led to the money people hoping to capitalise on several other instances of current news in order to stay in the internet’s news feed for as long as possible.

 

Besides the aforementioned scene in which Severus Snape does the worm on the Goblin King’s funeral mound, there will also be a cameo appearance from the 55 gallon tub of lube which was sent to that Oregon militia group who have seized control of a small and weirdly undefended portion of America. On top of that there will be an evil muppet who has been visually toned down to look like Vladimir Putin – an evil muppet who will poison a Russian dissident with radioactive beverages and then sing, ‘It Wasn’t Me,’ by Shaggy. Finally, the film’s finale will feature a load of doped-up Olympians and crooked tennis professionals firing sporting balls at the protagonists – the protagonists being played by a Donald Trump look-a-like, and a woman who they thought was a Sarah Palin look-a-like but unfortunately turned out to be the actual Sarah Palin.

 

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising  the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

 

Although the film’s writer is a talented woman who assures us that the film won’t be a remake, it certainly has some very shady people behind it, and we will just have to wait and see which wins out – creativity or commerce. Or, alternatively, just make do with the original. The beautiful, beautiful original.

 

 

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