Brian Blessed Uninjured After Falling From Helicopter

Brian Blessed – the nation’s favourite human megaphone/hawk-person – was somehow uninjured this afternoon after he fell some two thousand feet from a moving helicopter.

 

We spoke to an eyewitness who saw the miraculous fall with his own eyes.

 

“I was out walking in the countryside when I looked up and saw a figure falling through the air. ‘Goodness me,’ I said to myself, ‘they’ll be splatted in a second and no mistake.’

 

“As the figure got closer, I could see that he had his hands on his hips, and also that he was perfectly bolt-upright. He maintained the stance even as he hit the ground, and I ran over and said, ‘what on Earth – you didn’t even bend your knees!’

 

“BENDING THE KNEES IS A COWARD’S TRICK,” Blessed whispered, before asking “DO YOU HAVE AN APPLE?”

 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t, Mr Blessed,” I said – having recognised him at that point.

 

“WELL, I MUST SAY THAT I’M VERY DISAPPOINTED ABOUT THAT. MIGHT YOU HAVE ONE AT HOME?”

 

“I do: I have many apples at home. But my home is over six miles away.”

 

“THAT’S OKAY,” Blessed said gently, “WE CAN GET THERE FASTER IF YOU RIDE ME LIKE A PONY’ – and before I had time to argue he flung me on his back and set of galloping through the woods – at one point chasing a cat through some brambles.

 

“Thing is, when we got to my house, I remembered that I didn’t actually have any apples at all – having bought radishes by accident whilst doing my weekly shop under the influence of discount, Asda-brand solvents. Brian didn’t seem to care or notice though, and took a big bite out of the offered turnip as easily as you or I might chomp down on a wet peach – before delicately whooping, ‘IT’S GOOD! IT’S GOOD!’ – and then running outside and lobbing the half-bitten vegetable at the helicopter which he had earlier fallen out of – shouting, ‘TAKE THAT, JUSTIN BIEBER YOU WHIMPERING, RAT-GNAWED SHIT-KITTEN!’ – the well-struck whirly-bird immediately exploding from the force of Blessed’s precisely-aimed radish-shot.

 

“And then he just sort of ran off after another cat, and I never saw him again. I probably should have asked for his autograph while I had the chance, although I did lose part of an ear when he took us through that bramble patch, so I do have that to remember him by at least.”

 

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

 

If you suspect that Brian Blessed may be running free in the woods behind your house, you can try to tempt him in with a saucer of milk or an offer to play the lead in a well-received production of ‘Macbeth.’

 

 

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