Brian Blessed – the nation’s favourite human megaphone/hawk-person – was somehow uninjured this afternoon after he fell some two thousand feet from a moving helicopter.
We spoke to an eyewitness who saw the miraculous fall with his own eyes.
“I was out walking in the countryside when I looked up and saw a figure falling through the air. ‘Goodness me,’ I said to myself, ‘they’ll be splatted in a second and no mistake.’
“As the figure got closer, I could see that he had his hands on his hips, and also that he was perfectly bolt-upright. He maintained the stance even as he hit the ground, and I ran over and said, ‘what on Earth – you didn’t even bend your knees!’
“BENDING THE KNEES IS A COWARD’S TRICK,” Blessed whispered, before asking “DO YOU HAVE AN APPLE?”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t, Mr Blessed,” I said – having recognised him at that point.
“WELL, I MUST SAY THAT I’M VERY DISAPPOINTED ABOUT THAT. MIGHT YOU HAVE ONE AT HOME?”
“I do: I have many apples at home. But my home is over six miles away.”
“THAT’S OKAY,” Blessed said gently, “WE CAN GET THERE FASTER IF YOU RIDE ME LIKE A PONY’ – and before I had time to argue he flung me on his back and set of galloping through the woods – at one point chasing a cat through some brambles.
“Thing is, when we got to my house, I remembered that I didn’t actually have any apples at all – having bought radishes by accident whilst doing my weekly shop under the influence of discount, Asda-brand solvents. Brian didn’t seem to care or notice though, and took a big bite out of the offered turnip as easily as you or I might chomp down on a wet peach – before delicately whooping, ‘IT’S GOOD! IT’S GOOD!’ – and then running outside and lobbing the half-bitten vegetable at the helicopter which he had earlier fallen out of – shouting, ‘TAKE THAT, JUSTIN BIEBER YOU WHIMPERING, RAT-GNAWED SHIT-KITTEN!’ – the well-struck whirly-bird immediately exploding from the force of Blessed’s precisely-aimed radish-shot.
“And then he just sort of ran off after another cat, and I never saw him again. I probably should have asked for his autograph while I had the chance, although I did lose part of an ear when he took us through that bramble patch, so I do have that to remember him by at least.”
If you suspect that Brian Blessed may be running free in the woods behind your house, you can try to tempt him in with a saucer of milk or an offer to play the lead in a well-received production of ‘Macbeth.’
You can also check out our YouTube Channel for videos like the one below: