The search for a director to helm Marvel’s Spiderman reboot is apparently now over, as the production company has bizarrely announced that they have hired David Cronenberg to write and direct the upcoming blockbuster series. As you may imagine, however, all is not as it seems.
According to one inside source, Marvel wanted the Canadian body-horror maestro because they were aware that he had directed ‘The Fly’ – a movie which they incorrectly assumed was about a superhero called ‘The Fly’ – and also because they were told that they could get him for cheap. In turn, Cronenberg agreed to direct the film because what they considered ‘cheap’ amounted to more money than the director had earned up until that point – even factoring in the scratch which he makes on the side selling rare Hello Kitty plushies on eBay.
We spoke to the director himself to find out why he took the project on:
“When I got the call I was on my knees in my videodrome – my head in my hands as I screamed at the static on a wall of giant, disconnected televisions – you know – just kicking back and chillaxing basically. I politely took the call anyway, as I poured maple syrup over the synthetic flesh waffles which I press into a twisted simulacrum of my own visage, but if I’m honest, I struggled to see how a story about a man who morphs into a spider wouldn’t just be derivative of my seminal masterwork – ‘The Fly.’ Then they told me how much they’d pay me, and I thought ‘fuck originality – I’ll just get Will Smith to play the lead and have him do a rap video to promote the film.”
The wily Cronenberg did insist on having the final draft of the script, however, which is why ‘The Spider’ promises to be Marvel’s weirdest film yet. According to the latest rumours, Spider-Man’s usual smart-alecky quips will be replaced with dialogue like, “how can it be oblivion when it never ends?” and instead of climbing walls and fighting crime, the titular hero will now just sort of slowly mutate into an ungodly and abhorrent man-spider – the troubled character writhing around in the visceral and existential agony of his own trans-human metamorphosis.
The film – which is already being boycotted by both the Vatican and people who wanted an actual Spiderman movie – will be released in July – although the accompanying promo-rap – ‘Big Spider Willy Styles in the Miami Summertime say Boom’ – is available right now. It’s not on YouTube yet, but if you call Will Smith up he will rhyme you a few bars down the telephone line for only $38,234 a bar.
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