Innocent Smoothies Sell ‘Super Foods’ Rights Back to Marvel

Following their inability to make the franchise work, the Innocent Smoothies Company have decided to sell the rights to ‘Super Foods’ back to Marvel – leading many to speculate that the wondrous fruits may soon be making a cameo in the upcoming Captain America film.

 

We spoke to our resident comic book expert, Debbie Naire-McSuavepants to find out where it all went wrong for the viscous fruit-slurpers:

 

“The problem is that they just didn’t understand what made the franchise tick; they didn’t understand the characters. For example, in the comics Blueberry is a borderline psychotic mercenary who was created in an illegal military weapons programme which saw fruits genetically spliced with Rottweilers and AK47s. Innocent, however, turned the character into a fruit drink which was supposed to anti-oxidise your pores, and make you shit better – or shit more – or shit less? Or shit something anyway.

 

“There was also Goji Berry – who in the Netflix series was a failed super hero who was subjected to years of psychological and physical abuse by the seventh incarnation of Doctor Who – Sylvester McCoy.

 

doctor7

Kilgrave


 

“Innocent, however, used the character as the mascot for a drink which was supposed to make you shit even more than the other one, and possibly anti-oxidise your shits too.

 

“Finally there was Chia Seed, who in the comics was a galaxy-spanning energy prick who was responsible for destroying every extant hero and villain in over 40 different parallel universes, and yet was bizarrely used by the smoothie-mongers as a chirpy cartoon character who promised consumers a good source of Omega-3 and to make their shits go really, really fast.”

 

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.

The 2015 Annual and a book satirising the hypocrisy of far-right Christian groups like Britain First.


 

Early reports are that Marvel intend to put the characters back on track by having them cameo in the upcoming Captain America film. Innocent, meanwhile, have been seeking corporate synergy elsewhere, and are allegedly on the verge of announcing a new collaboration with Richard Bacon, Chow Yun-Fat, and Miss Piggy on an energy shake which will be made out of 99% squeezed pig and 1% anti-nausea medication.

 
LIKE US ON FACEBOOK here, TWITTER here, or share this post with the buttons below:
 
 

You can also support the site by buying one of our mugs, here.

Inline