Following the success of attaching a small monetary charge to carrier bags, the EU has passed a new law which will see people charged 5p every time that they act like a dickhead, fuck-knuckle, or piss-chiseller – a new law which has unsurprisingly drawn the ire of dickheads, fuck-knuckles, and everyone who has ever been on ‘The Apprentice.’
When the 5p charge was first introduced on carrier bags, the reaction of many people was something along the lines of:
“5 facking pence? You expect me to pay 5 facking pence, you slag? I’ll facking cut you if you ask me that again!”
Although of course, when we say “many people,” what we actually mean is “people who could easily afford it anyway and are just entitled arseholes who feel like they shouldn’t have to pay for anything in the first place,” as obviously the rest of us were already shopping at Aldi – a place where carrier bag charges have been standard since discount, Germanic shopping began. As you can see from the quote above, the privileged elite of this country were so infuriated by this unexpected expense that it made them all briefly turn into East-End cockney wide-boys – a condition which is technically called Sudden On-set Mitchelitis, but is also more colloquially known as the ‘jellied spiels.’
Beyond the ridiculous reactions of ridiculous people – and also of the commendable restraint of the retail workers who managed to barely punch anyone – the carrier bag charge was a massive success. This meant that people finally managed to move the carrier bags full of carrier bags that they had under the stairs into their cars, and that every so often they even remembered to take a couple out of the boot when they got to the supermarket.
The beauty of charging people for acting like a dickhead is that whenever someone reacts negatively to the charge – i.e. like a dickhead – they will incur a double fine, and the more that they lose their cool, the more money we will make from these otherwise completely unnecessary mega-turds. The current plan is to spend the billions that we raise in revenue on travelling to the nearest black hole and then dumping the master tapes to every single episode of the now cancelled ‘If Katie Hopkins Ruled the World’ into it. Stephen Hawking has warned that sending all that lowbrow dickhead-bait into a parallel dimension could result in some sort of inter-reality mega-war, but he also added, “fuck it – let’s flush that shit.”
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