Rentokil – Britain’s premier preventer of nuisances, pests, and a Bay City Rollers reunion – has warned everyone to be aware that you are now never more than 6ft away from a Star Wars spoiler.
We spoke to one of their head animal stranglers – one Kenny Bunnysmotherer – to find out more:
“In the old days, spoilers were easy to keep at bay. Someone would say to you, ‘have you seen that new Spice Girls movie yet?’ – and you’d say, ‘no, and you better not tell me what happens in it, or I’ll beat you to death with a rock!’
“Now though, spoilers can come at you from anywhere. Like when you’re looking online, and some dipshit IGN journalist has put the spoiler in the title of an article. Or you dive into a swimming pool, and when you get underwater you notice that there’s a lad in Star Wars shorts, and there’s a print of the new film’s big finale on the left leg. Or you’re innocently burgling the caravan that J.J. Abrams keeps in Abersoch, and you see that he’s left a script out, so you give it a look over while you’re taking a dump, because break-ins always give you a dodgy stomach, and the narcissistic dweeb doesn’t have anything else to read.
“We’ve even heard reports that some of the bigger spoilers have gone completely viral and started infecting people’s smart-tech. A woman in Brighton reported that she put some bread in her high-tech toaster, and when it popped out an updated Skywalker family tree had been burnt into it. A man in Derby told us that the windscreen wipers of his brand-new Audi have been using Morse code to detail the new film’s plot, and that one of his headlights has turned to the darkside – although probably we think that the bulb has just gone.”
If you yourself are worried about spoilers, The Hourly Terrier is offering an exclusive anti-spoiler service, which involves us kidnapping you and keeping you held hostage in our nan’s caravan until you’re ready to get a shift on and just watch the film. Alternatively, you could buy one of our limited edition blasters and set the weapon to ‘keep-your-fucking-mouth-shut-and-get-away-from-me-with-your-spoilers-you-nerf-herding-son-of-a-rancor.’
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