THE SITH APPRENTICE 2015 – Week 1: The Contestants

Following the recent revelation that Lord Alan Sugar has a medical condition which is causing his entire body to ascend upwards into his own scrotum, the BBC has decided to replace The Apprentice with a new show that will follow Emperor Palpatine in his search for a new right-hand man. Or woman. Or space alien.


Although Darth Vader will indeed be one of Palpatine’s assistants, the awkward thing is that there is only ever one Master and Apprentice – meaning that the final contestant will eventually have to dispose of the black-helmeted one to win outright. Apparently the Emperor is fine with this though, as he’s frankly quite sick of Vader skulking about the place – breathing in and out like a ten year old hoover and strangling all the middle managers – a leadership style which has seen morale and productivity drop by more than 37%.


The second judge and assistant will be Karen Brady, as Palpatine found that the Olympic stadium-sponging/working-poor crushing millionaire was every bit as evil as anyone else in his Galactic Empire. She’s also already mastered pretending that the sort of trials these idiots go on are indicative of anything other than the stupidity of everybody involved in setting them up or taking part in them.


Anyway – let’s meet the young hopefuls who think that they can become the next Sith Apprentice!


Max Rebo ­

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Max Rebo is a jazz musician from the planet Orto, and like all other jazz musicians the beanbag-alike key-tinkler is brimming with three things: rhythm, an unquenchable thirst for the dark side, and heroin.


Padme’s Force Ghost

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Padme Amidala was actually once Darth Vader’s girlfriend, but then he turned into a real dick, and this resulted in her just dying for some reason. Despite not being a Jedi, Padme has now returned as a force ghost to give her former partner a hard time after finding out that she’s been paying for his Netflix subscription for the past several years.


The Rancor

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The Rancor literally eats good guys for breakfast.


And dinner too.


And tea.


Also – bad guys.


Just anyone basically.


So he’s certainly evil enough, but will that pure, unbridled villainy translate into efficient office management? Well – definitely not – but you don’t bar someone from going on The Apprentice just because they’re an all-over-the-place dickhead with about as much common sense as an hallucinogenic industrial accident.


Captain Janeway

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Captain Janeway was the first woman to become a Starfleet captain with her own TV show, and the writers celebrated that great leap forwards by having her immediately get lost in deep space. Janeway was originally just at the Empire HQ to ask for directions, but she quickly realised that becoming Palpatine’s apprentice would give her access to all of the maps that she wanted, as well as giving her the ability to strangle all of the fanboys who fail to rank her alongside Pickard and Kirk.


Aurra Sing

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Aurra Sing was trained as a Jedi when she was a youngling, but was then left behind by a master who thought that she was dead. She then became a bounty hunter who specialised in killing Jedi. So she’s actually a pretty sensible and not-that-funny choice for this, but there’s not been that many female characters in the films up until this point, so just consider her to be the non-novelty pick.


Lando Calrissian

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Lando won the chance to appear in The Sith Apprentice in a card game, and although he doesn’t normally go in for all of that killing younglings malarkey, the Emperor is at least okay with his apprentices wearing capes, and Lando is all about the capes, baby.


And yes – that is Lando Calrissian – not Dwayne Dibley with a moustache, and I should know because I traced the picture myself. How did I “make Lando Calrissian look like Dwayne Dibley when you were tracing it, you fucking moron?” – you ask? Well I just did – okay? I JUST FUCKING DID.




Anyway – join us tomorrow for the review of the first episode!


Satirising far-right Christian groups like Britain First

Satirising far-right Christian groups like Britain First




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