The Cheeky Girls Seize Control of Stalingrad

Following a surprise attack, The Cheeky Girls have seized control of Stalingrad! Also, they’re both 100ft tall now! Also, they are cheekier than ever! Cheekier than a hamster with a gobful of chewed-up cheeky Nando’s pamphlets.


Although few people know it, The Cheeky Girls were actually designed and manufactured by Mikhail Kalashnikov – the man who brought us the AK-47. Mr Kalashnikov felt great sadness that his earlier invention had become the ubiquitous weapon of choice for terrorists, tribal armies, and The NWA, and so he decided to create something new – something which would enable wars to be won with cheekiness instead of bullets.


The mark 1 Cheeky Girls were an unbridled success, causing everyone who saw them to remark, “oh yes – that’s cheeky.” They came at an opportune time too, as the Western world was gearing up to invade Iran – simply because we hadn’t invaded anyone in awhile, and it was only through the sudden influx of cheekiness that we were able to screw our heads back on and ask ourselves:


“What the fuck are we doing, really? Why do we keep invading other countries? When did that become the default mode of Western diplomacy? It doesn’t even work, and we know it doesn’t work, and we know that we know it doesn’t work, and we’re doing it anyway, because apparently that’s just what we do now! If only there was something cheeky to break this tedious cycle of carnage and failure!”


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As you would expect, however, the success of The Cheeky Girls did not go unnoticed by Vladimir Putin, and he decided that if the girls were that effective as petite little starlets, imagine how much more effective they would be as 100ft tall killing machines with laser powered eyes and chainsaw-bladed sickles for hands.


Unfortunately for Putin, he’d never watched a Hollywood, sci-fi blockbuster (loathing their bourgeois decadence and reliance on CGI effects), and so he didn’t realise that his creations would predictably go out of control and attack the very people who made them.


When the Cheeky Girls went rogue, Vladimir immediately ripped off his shirt and called for his flying bear legion. The giant robots were too powerful for the mystical dictator, however, and Putin ended up being thrown out of the country – ironically landing in a McDonald’s deep fat fryer and drowning in the bubbling fat of Western decadence that he had always opposed/emulated/used as a political football to make foreign activists overlook his awful human rights record, and think that actually he is a pretty cool guy who is just sticking it to the Yanks.


Although the Cheeky Girls took over the city without any casualties – they have also refused to leave until the world meets their five demands:


  1. Get cheeky,
  2. Get real cheeky,
  3. Eat, sleep, cheek, repeat,
  4. Cheek up off a’that cheek, and
  5. Cheek it real good.



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