Satanists, Tories, and heavy metal fans have been left outraged today, after it emerged that their spiritual leader/top donor/riff begetter was happy-slapped at Preston Bus station whilst changing buses between Blackpool and the third circle of Hell.
Although Satan has traditionally been driven everywhere in a car which looks either like a Hybrid or a Hummer – depending on your political persuasion – cutbacks have meant that he now has to take public transport. The cutbacks in question have come about ever since the recently dead Margaret Thatcher managed to become elected as Hell’s Prime Minister – the brand new demon having promised to restore the underworld to its finer glory with good old fashioned Hadean values or some such shit.
Of course, all Thatcher actually did was cut spending to services so that she could run everything into the ground and then privatise it. This means that the Lake of Sulphur is now owned by Red Bull speedboat racing, Sisyphus – who formerly had to push a great rock up a hill everyday – now pushes a Goodyear tire, and that table full of people with long chop-sticks who can’t figure out that they should be feeding one another has now been replaced entirely by Ronald McDonald defecating McNuggets into the open-mouths of production lined heathens.
Despite having been usurped by a much more malevolent and hideous force, Satan was kept on as a sort of symbolic mascot, although instead of tempting mortals to commit sin, he is now only authorised to tempt idiots into drinking Pepsi. It was whilst travelling back after a long day of shilling cola drinks that he had to change buses, and it was then that the incident occurred. We spoke to the malevolent fallen angel himself to find out more:
“It was horrific! I’d got off my bus and was travelling through the underpass when I spotted some bad looking teens just loitering about. There was no one else around, so I tried to keep my head down and walk past without making eye contact, because believe me – the road to hell isn’t paved with good intentions – it’s paved with bored adolescents.
“They all started holding their arms out as a I walked past – an aggressive display which teens have picked up from cormorants. I quickly morphed into my most hideous and threatening form – namely that of spiny elephant with a lion-headed snake for a trunk – but they weren’t threatened at all, and they quickly surrounded me, and then filmed it as they pinned me to the ground and made me kiss an egg.
“Some have told me that I got my just desserts for years of torturing people, or that this is an example of what happens when a disparate and unfair society run by psychopaths becomes the norm. I have replied to all that by saying, WE MUST DECLARE WAR ON THESE SHITS! I DON’T CARE IF AUTHORITARIANISM HAS ONLY EVER MADE CRIME WORSE, I AM TELLING YOU IT WILL IMPROVE THINGS NOW, BECAUSE I FUCKING WELL SAY IT WILL – YOU GET ME?”
The government has responded to Satan’s call for a war on the underclass by looking puzzled and asking, “another one?” As was previously mentioned though, Satan is a top donor, and so they have had to launch the initiative anyway – lest they upset another contributor and risk a new #PigGate type situation.
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