The university that Doctor Doom studied at has today revealed that the villain’s subject of study was actually in Leisure and Tourism, and not Doomsday Weapons and Advanced Cuntery as had earlier been claimed.
According to the report, Doom actually failed most of his GCSEs, as he was a bit of a teenage rebel who would rather blaze spliffs down the park than do his homework. However, the troubled teen realised the mistake he had made after watching an episode of ‘Hollyoaks Nights,’ and deduced that if he wanted to sit about smoking weed indefinitely then higher education was the only way to go.
Although he had no GCSEs, was a feckless & illiterate idler, and had a penchant for acts of cruel & sadistic violence, this ended up not being a problem, as Doom was also a member of the aristocracy, and so his paternal grandpapa – the landbaron Clancy VonDoom – was able to buy him a place at the most prestigious sixth form college in the country.
Once in college, Doom opted for four of the A levels which are only available to the ruling class – Advanced Fox Hunting, Tax Avoidance, Entitlement Studies, and Having Someone Else Do It.
Doom wasn’t very good at fox hunting, as he insisted on brutalising the animals himself, whereas everyone knows that the civilised thing to do is watch a pack of vicious dogs do it.
His tax avoidance was also poor, as although it is essentially easier for a rich person to avoid paying tax than it is for them to actually just pay it, Doom much preferred the illegal thrill of tax evasion, or – even better – to just straight-up steal it.
His Entitlement Studies aptitude was higher, as Doom had grown up in money, and understood that the world owed him something just for showing up. To get top marks at Entitlement Studies, a student needs to never attend class, and then show up on exam day and just demand an A*, cash, and a shoe box filled with medals. Similarly, he got top marks in Having Someone Else Do It by just having someone else do it.
At university Doom was forced to study one of the pleb courses, as by 18 the aristocracy have already learnt far more than they will ever need in life, and so they no longer need special classes in how to be top-class toffs. Uni is a great place for our future Lords and Ladies to doss out for a few years and let their sense of entitlement reach peak maturity, as at that age many of them still have doubts like, “should I really be telling this skilled workforce I’m suddenly in charge of that I know more about their area of expertise than they do – even though I literally can’t even spell it – let alone understand it?”
The course that Doom picked was Leisure and Tourism – mainly because he thought it would involve being a leisurely tourist. Although this ended up not being the case, Doom got round the workload which was put on him by just having someone else do it and going on holiday to Marbella. He applied the same work ethos to a masters and PhD, and following seven years of hard slog he came out with a doctorate and a cracking tan. His tan was actually so thorough that he had to start wearing body armour to prevent any more tanning occurring – largely because he spent the last year of his PhD drunk on Brandy and without any sun cream on.
Of course, not long after Doom became a doctor he also inherited a small country and more weaponry than you could shake a missile at, and then quickly decided to focus his efforts on never quite pulling off world domination. And so it was that the world of Leisure and Tourism was once more denied one of its leading lights by a more evil and well-paying profession – previous luminaries lost to them having included Pol Pot, Charlie Manson, and that Frenchman I keep locked in my downstairs bathroom.
My downstairs bathroom being my only bathroom – meaning that I haven’t been in months. You can’t let these people get away with badmouthing English cheeses though, as if Brie was anything to write home about!
It is hard managing without a toilet of course, but sometimes you just have to grin and Camembert it for what you know is right.
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