In a surprising turn of events, a species of bacteria that lives exclusively on dog turds has managed to communicate with us – a feat which the colony of single celled organisms effected in order to voice their disdain about being named after the rapper and celebrity scumbag, Chris Brown.
We spoke to one of the scientists behind the findings – one Bowella Pooinhole to find out more:
“We made the discovery at turdiversity where we work. We call it ‘turdiversity’ because we do a lot of research into faeces by the way. Someone later pointed out that ‘pooniversity’ would have worked better, but the name had already stuck by then. Also, we didn’t get why ‘pooniversity’ would have been any funnier. Oh – they must have meant it as a reference to ‘poo’ – I just got it! Oh wow – that would have been a much better name actually.
“Anyway, we’ve always made a habit of naming the dog shit bacteriums we discover after famous pieces of shit – former discoveries having included Stalin, Mother Theresa, and The Other Man From Delmonte.
“When we named a new bacteria after the populist woman hurter Chris Brown though, something odd happened, as we came in one day and all the dog turds had been rearranged into what looked like a sadface emoticon. We assumed it was Professor Brian Cox winding us up again, but we left the cameras on that evening, and watched in wonder as the science turds rearranged themselves into the words, ‘anywon but him!’
“Although our first instinct was to ignore the message because it was spelled badly, we realized that if we could communicate with these tiny beings, then we could make an absolute killing – either by setting up a new system of waste management in which poos take care of themselves, or by going on Britain’s Got Talent and have some turds perform a series of hit songs – just like Scouting for Girls or Razorlight.
“Unfortunately though, we couldn’t get them to communicate again after we changed their name. It seems that the horror of being named after such a scumbag was just so great that they transcended the laws of science to object, but once the wrong had been righted the laws of science just reverted back to normal.
“Who is the bacteria named after now, you ask? Well – we haven’t decided yet, but it’s currently a dead tie between Noel Edmonds, that astronaut from the international space station who refused to hold his farts in, or *INSERT NAME OF WHOEVER THIS WEEK’S WORST TORY HAS BEEN*
“The smart money is on *INSERT NAME OF SCHOOL TEACHER WHO ENCOURAGED WHOEVER THIS WEEK’S WORST TORY HAS BEEN*”
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