Even Ant & Dec can no Longer Remember Which is Which

Following several millennia of codependency, Ant and Dec have admitted that even they can no longer remember which is which, and that they have taken to flipping a coin to decide which of them gets to be Declan.


We spoke to their wives to find out how any of this even works:


“When we first met them they introduced themselves as Ant and Dec, which was fine, but when I got my one alone later on and asked him what I should call him, he said, ‘call me Ant and Dec.”


“Yeah, the same thing happened to me. And it leads to situations in which you’ll shout, ‘Ant and Dec?’ and they both shout, ‘yeah?’ and you go, ‘no, I meant Ant & Dec,’ and one will answer, ‘yeah,’ and you go, ‘no, I meant the other Ant & Dec.”


“You try and laugh it off, but I genuinely think that I’m losing my mind.”


Of course, Ant and Dec were originally brought together to end the centuries long war between the Antonians and the Declopods – the idea being that if a member of each species underwent a procedure to have their brains telepathically linked, then that would serve as symbol of the two societies’ ability to come together as one.


Of course, the plan was a complete failure, and the warring civilisations annihilated one another with their nuclear deterrents – leaving Ant and Dec floating in space in an escape pod – the only survivors.


After several hundred years of that, the pair were eventually pulled into Earth’s orbit before crash-landing on the set of Byker Grove – their space pod crushing the two, young actors who had been meant to play PJ and Duncan. Rather than picking a couple more Geordie kids from the Geordie kid mine, Geoff just put the aliens in a couple of grey Adidas jumpers and put them to work – thus beginning a prolific career in light entertainment which has only been matched by Gerald the invisible and incredibly naked weatherman.


Although Ant & Dec had been putting up with the situation, they have decided that the time has come to resolve who is who, and have offered a million pound reward to whoever can conclusively prove which is which. If you are thinking about entering, you’re already too late, as we have claimed the money ourselves using a top-notch and secret science technique which we can’t reveal for legal reasons. Allegations that we just put a Mentos mint in a bottle of Coke, doused the two in the erupting fizzy pop, and then randomly said that the wettest of the pair was Ant, are entirely false.







We’re not joking either – the whole story was false.



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